Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

i've been doing a lot of thinking recently, about, what holds me back in my head.
i've come to the conclusion its the association, i have between ,lack of success and fear.
growing up, i was expected to be top of the class, ahaed of the rest, better than the best, or face the wrath of (god) and my father. if i was anything less than top of the class, then i got a wallop or three from him. plus the certainty that i would not be going to heaven, again according to my father. so i think that, because i'm not doing my best as i'm not losing consistent amounts of weight, i feel like a failure ,and so in the absence of punishment i punish myself.
i mentally beat myself up on an all day and all night basis, and rarely acknowledge for long any success. in fact praise makes me uncomfortable, beyond normal too i don't deserve it basically, in my mind.
anyway there is another side to this too. i would get rewarded for good behaviour, with a different kind of abuse, again from my father, then i was his clever, princess, who was so good at keeping, his perverted affection for me secret, once again, for fear of retribution, from god, and him, and to protect my little brother from him too.
so if i do well, there is reward that is really punishment and if i fail ,there is punishment, not really a win win situation, i think you'll agree.
now the question is how do i get out of this cycle, of punishment and mental assaults on myself? i really don't know the answer, but i suppose i'm asking the question now which is a start.
ok, so i'm an adult now, and god and him takle no place in my actual physical life, but in my mental life its all still there, in any quiet moment, my sleep, the shower, seeing a lookalike in the park, a child being shouted at in the street,
i hate my body, i really do ,i must have to inflict upon it the things i have over the years, but to me it all feels somehow part of me, and what is normal for me, i know it isn't normal, but in my world that doesn't seem to count.
i'm sorry, tho i know i shouldn't apologise for putting it down and getting it out there. i am still sorry. tonight was the online, Pete asked why we haven't fully bought into the idea that we will be slimmer fitter and healthier the above is my answer. or at least the one i have now. for me, there is a whole tangle of psychology around it as there is with everything in my life, as for the other question, what do i think is the legacy of my life, i think it will be, two fold, firstly, friends who felt very much loved and cherished, and secondly, that my experiences weren't for nothing much love n xxx

hi again, just a quick one to say hello, and hope you are doing well.
i had a weigh in today, and i've hit a new target, i'm down to 17 st, that's 11lbs loss on the 50x50challenge, and a 2.5 stone loss since last year. i'm very happy with this ,and haven't celebrated by eating a treat!! a real good change.
on another note, i told the ot from the mental health team that i don't want to see her again. i had to leave a message but it felt so good!!
so 2 steps forward and more to come, how times have changed .
sending you all pats on the back and hugs too, take care love nikki xxx

hi again, thankyou so much for your amazing support from my last blog entry. i am truly overwhelmed by the care and love you have shown me, all i can say is thankyou xxxxxx
onto more positive things..in fact much more positive things... the scan results came in and all is normal so that is great!
then today i did some measurements today, my belly level measure was down to 111.5 cm or just under 44 inches, i can remember a time when that was 122cm 48 inches and above!! then i measured under my bust and that has gone down from 46inches to 44 inches, which great too.
i didn't do lots of measurements but these were the two easiest for me to do and i'm so happy with them.
today iresolved to keep a proper food diary for myself and to keep myself in check. today has been a good day tho, and i got to spend the afternoon with neil and his mum which was nice too.
tomorrow is another day, but today i feel quite good, which in the circumstances i will settle for right now
sending love and hugs from me to you all take care nikki xxx

hi again, this is just stuff that i need to get out of my head, its not positive, i 'll say upfront, that i don't expect anyone to read it, and i hope it isn't too much to post, but i need to get it out.
the last few days has been very unpleasant and upsetting and unfortunately, the online programme has triggered a lot of bad stuff for me. and then things just got worse.
pete was talking to us on tues eve online course and what he was talking about made me very angry, triggered a lot of very painful and upsetting memories and i got very ,very upset. i left the course early and got progressively worse after that.
i have spent the last few days trying to get myself back on track, i'm not there yet but i'm hoping this will help.
my father was my abuser as a child, and the abuse took many forms. unfortunately , it is so tied up inside me and has caused my whole life to be affected. as those who know me know, i have major problems with depression, and anxiety, these have lead to me needing to be hospitalised on several occasions and i have used food as a comfort/ coping mechanism for many years. this self harming behaviour, became very much more serious and it developed into serious deliberate self harm,... fortunately that side of things has long since passed, and the food coping is now pretty well controlled now too. Pete was talking about forgiveing hurts in our lives and those that have hurt us, this for me is a very painful, and triggering thing to deal with.
i feel i have made great inroads into dealing with the past, and hearing the opinions that we need to forgive to move forward was incredibly angering, and i feel it was an inappropriate and insensitive way to deal with a very sensitive and personal issue. i realise that pete, didn't actually know my history and that he was using this as an example of the power of some to forgive but at the end of the day it was an opinion, that was ill advised and insesnitive to illustrate the point of forgiveness. as a result of this i have been triggered to remember and relive many painful and previously, coped with memories and their associated memories and emotions.
then the next day came, after a horrible disturbed night and i had a routine appointment with my psychiatrist. this was a pre booked longstanding appointment. those of you who have read my blogs before know how stressful i find these appointments. i had a really awful appointment and it has resulting in me getting angry with my dr and i have said i will not see her again. she and those before have misunderstood my problems, undervalued my feelings and generally treated me like some sort of freak. she wants to refer me to an eating disorders psychologist as she thinks there are more issues there, tho there aren't and wouldn't listen to my point of view on the subject.
she wanted to see my food diary, and i said it was private and i didn't want them to see it. this is to do with privacy and trust issues with them rather than the food itself ,but their blinkered approach meant it was twisted around and suddenly was a huge problem...totally unacceptable.
i should add that i have probably over my adult life had every available type of psychotherapy therapy, counselling etc and am better than i was 16 years ago, but still not well.
anyway, i have dealt with all this without using food as comfort, i have not harmed myself in anyway, which is a sign of how far i have actually come, thru all this.
i just needed to get this out of my head and this felt like the right thing to do.
if anyone read this, thankyou, i hope i have done the right thing doing this .
i am doing my best, and no-one can ask more than that of me . take care xxx

hi again, just checking in and really not sure i have much to say.
foodwise, i'm doing well, tho i think my portions may have got a bit bigger, so that will be remedied immediately. i have been feeling much calmer, since starting the beta blockers, i have been prescribed for the migraines, and head has felt better, i got overexcited about feeling better, and then woke up today, with a migraine...so was disappointed at this, but it is very early days yet. on friday and saturday i got out andabout a bit, which was a nice change but wiped out today so have overdone it again...when will i learn eh? haha
anyway, this week is my psychiatrist appointment ..on wed morning..so will be glad ,as ever, when that is over with.
anyway, i'm plodding along, and doing as much of the do as i'm able. will get the scan results this week, as they were posted last friday, but the consensus is that if it was serious i'd have got the results much sooner, so that is good. will stop drivelling now and say, ta ta for now take care love nikki xxx

hi again, well Pete asked for a blog on how we feel we are doing so far and this is harder than it may seem. i'm not good at giving myself credit and so find it easier to focus on the downsides of things. the last month has been an interesting one for me. personally, i hate the camera and being on the screen like we do for the online but i do it cos i believe it will get easier as time goes by. the course is interesting, tho sometimes less so than others. anyway...
in the last 4 weeks i've lost 8lbs in weight, (not weighed yet this week) but that is great in itself. my waistbands are getting looser, not as fast as i'd like them too ,but looser all the same. my eating is far more controlled now than its been since i was about 10 years old, and i haven't had a full on binge in well over 8 weeks either..another really good thing.
i find it hard blogging the same old stuff, all the time, partly cos it doesn't help me feel i'm moving fwd ,and also cos i'm terrified of boring you all into hating me. i have many health problems, all of which affect my ability to lose weight, thru exercise.,and i find this frustrating initself. i am 35 injune and i thought i'd be in a very different place at this stage in my life, but i'm not, and whatever the reasons, i have to accept the way i am right now and focus on getting well, before i plan anything else into my life.
anyway back to the posoitives, you girls and Pete are very caring and supportive, and i appreciate that so much. the regular tuesday appt with the online course is good for motivation, and positivity that comes from there, not to mention the love and support are amazing. it is truly a priviledge to be part of the group as it is to be part of the wider petecohen.tv family, i still have hang ups like not blogging in reply to others, but keeping comments to general support, but tho general,it no less personally meant(if that makes sense) i know its all i feel able to do right now and that is something else i have to accept for now at least.
so bingeing under control, still some mild overeating, but nothing devastating as it used to be. i take each day as it comes at me, and do the best i can do on that day...this too i think is progress. i have reduced my carbs to a mininmum at the mo, no energy, no exerceise so no need for all that empty calories. another positive thing, i'm more adaptable now in my eating.
unfortunately the duck still quacks away merriliy most days and it means i need to find new ways to channel that negativity, into something more positive, and am doing that as much as possible.
another great help to me is my good friend and adopted mum2 suefromcoast, who talks to me most nights and we have a giggle, and Keep Going in our own way...i'm forever grateful to Pete and petecohen.tv for bringing her into my life..she is such a tonic so thanks sue xxxx.
so food wise pretty good, exercise is really a non starter, right now, but i walk when i can and move as i'm able, so thats better than nothing.
homework form e has been patchy, i do most of it, i just have some sticking points with doing lots of podcast listening and stuff like that. my mood is crying out for comfort food at the mo but i'm not giving in so that is good too.
you guys are truly inspirational, and amazing and i thankyou for being there for me, even tho it may seem like i'm not there for you, believe me i am big time !!
this has rambled on long enough now so i'll go now, take care, thankyou and hugs all round to the petecohen.tv family you're simply the best xxxxxxx

hi again, its done and i shou7ld get the results next week. i must admit i don't feel much better that its done, daft isn't it, but maybe the results will help with that.
i so appreciate, the support you offer me thru all the things i have been am am still going thru knowing there are others who care ,makes a big difference to me. and i'm sure i'm not alaone in feeling that way. this is a wonderful place, full of wonderfully caring people and tho i don't reply individually, i do care about all you have going on too. i feel for you when you are struggling, and celebrate with your successes when things are good for you, and everything in between. i'm getting soppy again so i'll go now but send love and hugs to you all, take care of you and those you love, from your friend nikki xxx

hi again, thanks for the lovely responses to my last blog, i really appreciate the support.
tomorrow morning (fri) i'm going for my ct scan at the local hospital. its for them to see where my brain has gone i think haha

today has been a nervous day, i've been thru a mixture of emotions and tonight i'm going to try and get some sleep to face tomorrow. it sounds melodramatic i know, and please forgive me for that, but i am really nervous about it and what it might lead to.
the other problem is that it will be the 7th anni of my grandad's death tomorrow too, and that is weighing heavy on my mind too. add to that other stresses with drs and stuff and i'm feeling really ropey.
so i just wanted to get this out there and then maybe i'll be able to sleep.
love to you all and take care speak soon hugs nikki xxx

hi gang, its me again, just checking in.
i'm doing well on the getting slimmer bit, i've lost another 2 lbs this week.. i 'm really pleased with this result. 17 st 3lbs and getting lighter .
i'm eating so much ;less than i was and eating all natural and healthy and slowly too. and i'm drinking more water too.
admittedly the moving more part is not going great, but i'm doing the bits that i can do ,and doing them well so i am going to focus on the positives.
i did get out today and had a chat with my friend neil and we had a giggle too which was great.
anyway, love to you all and Keep Going and take care your friend nikki xxx

pete asked us to look at his video on weightlossguru.
so here is my answers...

what do i want?

i want to be slim, fit and healthy.
more energy
better bodyshape
better emotional health
more life
more confidence
to feel love for myself
i want to feel i deserve to be all these things and more
to one day be a good role model for my future family
to be able to nurture myself
to be free of my food problems-addiction/bingeing/reliance/emotional eating
to be ableto say i acjieved this -with more than a little help from my friends wink
to not pass my present food problems to my kids

what would getting this do for me?

boost my self esteem
reduce my need for medication
improve my mood
improve my emotional stability
give me a sense of personal achievement
a feeling of having a real, valuable, positive future
improve my mobility
allow me to shop anywhere
i would have some body confidence
i'll hideaway less and therefore do more in my life
a feeling of self belief
i'd be less afraid of others and what they thinkof me/how they see me.

how will i know i've achieved it?

scales, lower weight on them.
wear smaller clothes
look in the mirror and see a smaller face-no double chin
my belly will be behind my boobs looking down
looking down i'll see my feet
i'd get compliments from others
my body will work better
not get breathless easily

how would i feel about it?

feel, less weak, ill, tired, emotionally unstable
feel less rubbish about myself
a huge sense of achievement
proud of how far i've come
less worried about how i look to other people
ner,nerdy ner ner (thumbs nose at those who said i'd never do it)
more able to cope
less like a freak
more confident

what would i see when i do it?

belly behind boobs!!
my feet
more muscle tone
a nicely proportioned body
a real smile on my face-not a forced one
my head held higher, not always looking down

what would i hear?

NO DUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a supportive voice in my head
compliments from people
my voice-singing!!

so there they are my goals and stuff. if you got thru this thankyou
take care love nikki xxx

hi again, just checking in with my food diary etc have read the blogs and think we are all doing great! i may not respond often but that doesn't mean i don't read them and think about how you are doing and willing you on.

yesterday, i made a chicken and veg caserole and tackled some of the surrounding washing up.
food wise friday, i had chicken and salad and lots of water. an ordinary sized portion of muesli, with milk. a protein shake and lots of fruit.
today sat, i had normal muesli and banana for brekkie/lunch
while out i had a bottle of water
then tea tonight was a portion of chicken casserole from yesterday, sweet potato and spread and more fruit.
i'm pretty sure that my diary is accurate but may have had something else but the important thing it was nothing, fatty, sugary or unhealthy ....yay!!
also did a walk to town today, and around town too whichis more than normal and then walked home too.
spent a lovely evening with porgy and bess on the radio and facebooking sue from coast as we do often . tonight feeling very relaxed and settled which is nice too.
i have my ct scan on friday next week (to check if i've still got a brain lol)
yet to settle on the painkillers which are still causing me problems so am not ready to start the beta blockers either. will see how the week goes .
anyway, rabbiting on so i'll go now and say Keep Going and see you soon. take care, love and hugs from me to you xx

hi again, forgive me today as i have had another dooozzy of a migraine and only woke up properly at 8pm ish. have eaten ok today, i used to deal with days like today by eating rubbish and doing less so now its just doing less ...no rubbish yay!
i have been drinking water all day and food wise have eaten, gammon steak and salad, 1/2 melon and some grapes. oh and a little micro tub of baked beans for ease.
i am struggling to see the future me, i know this is crucial part of the process, and will work on this more.
anyone who can advise how to get the weightlossguru alternative mp3 track to my ipod would be greatful of some advice. i tried last night but got nowhere fast with it haha
anyway, night for now take care and see you soon love nikki xxxx

hi again, today has been a good day in many ways and my eating has been good too.
firstly when i weighed yesterday, i've lost 3 more pounds since last week. i'm very pleased by this. that keeps me on track for the 50 by 50 challenge.
yesterday evening was online course night and it was very thought provoking. i'm still thinking at the moment and will blog my thoughts when they make more sense .
food diary, is all healthy, protein shakes and fruit yesterday, and my main meal today was gammon steaks and salad, with fruit to follow. and i've drunk more water as i committed to yesterday online.
i also had a really good session with my o.t. who came to my home and saw for herself how things are here. we focussed on problem solving around my energy levels and how i could avoid the boom and bust nature of my activity /energy levels.
she is going to come here again nin a fortnight and see how i'm going on.
also i got an appt thru for my ct scan next friday 29th so not too long to wait now .
will close now and send you all a big hug and take care love nikki xxx

hiya, thanks for the lovely replies to my blog yesterday, i realise that i'm doing well now, so thanks for that!!
today i had a dental appointment and had a filling, which was expected. but nothing else which was a relief.
the good thing was not only did i walk up to meet susan we then had a light lunch and walked on to the dentist... we would usually get a cab cos its quite a walk but today we did it in stages and walked there. then we did the same coming home and walked home too!!!...result.
so on to food for today
brekkie was 3small bananas
lunch was 1 sausage, 1 rasher bacon, 1 poached egg, afew mushrooms and a few baked beans, and a cup of decaff coffee.
this evening i had a bread roll with chick,mayo and corn, and another roll with corned beef and tomato. these were impulse buys, i was feeling dodgy and thought they would be better than cakes ,..i never normally eat bread .
then tonight i've had a bowl of salad and ranch dressing, and some dried berries and mixed seeds.
drinks have been decaff tea mostly, but am going to have some water in a bit too.
i should say that when i got in from my day out i slept for three hours or more and will need to go easy tomorrow too. but i'll be online in the evening to see you all on the oonline course... and my camera is hopefully working haha
anyway. i'm off now, take care of yourselves and love and hugs from me to you from nikki xxx

hi again, i'm blogging 2 days today as was poorly yesterday. anyway not going to dwell on that one.
so food for yesterday (sat)
3 ryvitas and spread with 2 small bananas
then slipped up, 5 pork steaks baked in oven, the whole pkt duck struck again
grapes, nectarines and 1/2 melon
drank loadsa redbush tea with milk and had
a protein drink mostly milk and protein powder.

sunday food diary,
3 bananas they are very small
bowl of mince stew as the other day
1/2 melon nectarine and pineapple fingers x3
drank mostly water all day, and some milk too.

sonot great but not bad either, considering how poorly really pretty good.
resisted the lure of the chinese twice and the local shop where many cakes and sweets are sold too so pleased with that .
tomorrow is dentist... not so great but will be fine and doing more walking which will be good too .
going to listen to the ronnie o'sullivan podcast now so will catch up again tomorrow.
take care and Keep Going folks we can do this love nikki xxxx