Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

Ooops been almost a week since I've blogged but I've been busy!

I've been feeling really good about myself. Things with the guy from overseas finally came to a proper conclusion and I feel that we've had a 'proper' breakup now which has closed that chapter and allowed me to get on with the next, though the relationship had in all honesty been finished since Christmas.

Anyway, a few days ago I joined up to an online dating site and went for my first date for lunch yesterday. The guy was really sweet, completely not right for me, but we had a really good time and laughed lots. It was an Italian place we went to and I panicked slightly when I saw it was mostly a choice of pizza on the menu. I refused the bread/oil dippy thing which pleased me no end and I had a risotto which I ate slowly and enjoyed every mouthful. It was probably laden with far too much cheese, but it was delish and I'd walked the 3 miles to the restaurant and walked the 3 miles home again so I think in the grand scheme of things it was ok. Its the first time eating out when contronted with a menu where I cant choose something ultra healthy that I havent totally lost it and gone into sod it mode and eaten everything in sight. I was so pleased with myself. I also was full after the main course, (and keeping the moral high ground as clearly the guy isnt interested in his waistline!!) and refused desert as I just didnt need anything else. HOORAH, HOORAH *jumps about and does a little dance*

There's been an enormous amount of interest in my profile on there (I've used the pic I have on my FB for those of you on there) and I know that I'm looking alright these days, but what makes me giggle hugely is that guys really have no clue about weight what so ever and it really is just numbers on a scale! There's a part where you can specify what you're looking for in your date, height eye colour interests blah blah and there is a part about weight. So...guys are filling out they're looking for a date with a height between 5'5 and 6ft and weighing between (get this *giggles*) 6st2 and 8st 4 lmao!!!! Clearly they have no clue, or they are looking for a twig that will fall over if they sneeze!!!! Funnily enough I've not included my weight on my profile because I dont look the weight I weigh and they are just numbers!

Anyway, there are a couple of others that I would like to meet up with for a coffee and find out a bit more about them, but I'm certainly not looking for Mr long term love move in with me marry me kind of thing. I want some company, I want a giggle, I want to share some interests with someone, and most of all feel like me and not be someone's wife or mother. I dont go to bars and clubs and if I did the chances are the type of person I would be interested in wouldnt be there anyway, I dont want a complete gym bunny so looking there would be out of the question, so online it is, in the safety of my office I can vet all manner of weirdos and nice guys alike and be in control of who I speak to and what information I give them (I'm being incredibly cagey so dont worry about me girls ;-)

So there we have it, what Joolz has been up to for the last few days!!!! I'm off down to the allotment now to plant some rasberry canes as the ground is not frozen right now, so a bit of cycling and digging to get the heart rate up a tad

Ta ra me lovelies x

Wow, the end of Feb! How did that happen?!!

I guess its time for a bit of a look back about what has gone well.

The past couple of days I've had my 'oldest' (we've been friends since we were 13) friend stay who is also my eldest daugher's godmother and I've had such a good time. Normally it would be and excuse to get takeaways and drink waaaayyyyyy too much each night, but I did really well not succumbing to those 'normal' activities that I would have done in the past. We did fancy icecream after dinner and went to the shop to get one, and we did share a bottle of wine each evening, but in the past we'd have probably had at least a bottle each (maybe it is a sign that we're getting old???)

My birthday is now only just over a week away and I did want to lose 7lbs before then. I think given how my attitude to food seems to be just about turning a corner I have a very good chance of achieving what I have set out to do, and I have got the next week planned already food wise, and I just need to make sure that my hunger scale gets noticed and I have things to snack on if I need to without getting too hungry by any given meal.

Now the fog of depression seems to be lifting a little I also realise how many amazing people I have in my life, and that I dont need one person's attention to feel validated and loved and as such that relationship that was holding me back I think will gradually fade in to the background. It feels a good thing, and I feel freer as well, just need to persuade him that us losing contact wont be the end of the world! He's a bit clingy and needy and so what I dont need.

The (almos)t ex-husband - (divorce should be through on Weds, well the Nici anyway) is being very helpful with the children at the moment and the kids seems very settled right now, though I know that I need to spend some more quality time with my eldest as its what she needs.

I generally like March as a month. You can start to smell spring in the air. I'm looking forward to a Mellow March where all the stresses and strains of the past few months melt away. And of course there is the V Show to look forward to and the party to meet all you lovely folks, and my birthday which I'm spending with Sezza and another friend :D

Half Term at mums went better than I anticipated in terms of food. The normal tonnes of shite she buys (because its a nice 'treat' for the girls) had been listened to and wasnt there. I'm not quite sure that she understands that ladels of mayonnaise do the same thing and the salads werent as calorifically light as they could have been, but the thought was there and that did mean a lot.

Unfortunately there were things said that upset me a lot. Going back to my parents house (and the house that I grew up in) I revert to being that child without much of a voice, it sucks but Freud is right, that parent/child relationship will be there and it wont matter how old I get!!! It did spin me out for a few days after I got home and I'm just starting to pull myself back together.

Good news on one thing though. My bike which was stolen on bonfire night has been paid for by my insurance company and yesterday the buildings claim for the fence was approved so I can finally get it repaired. To say it has been stressing me out is a huge understatement.

I hurt my back sometime over the last few days and I went to the dr yesterday as I didnt think that constant pins and needles down my legs was right and all he could comment on was me being fat and he said he had a feeling he wanted to look in my eyes and apparently there is something wrong with one of the muscles in them ????? I'm due an eye exam anyhow but he wants the results from that to go to him (I'll humour him on that!) But the issue he had with my weight I laughed at!! If only he'd seen me when I was fat lmao!! THEN he would have had just cause to comment, but now, I know I'm slightly overweight, I'm a grown up, I can deal with it and maybe actually he did do me a favour because I now have a point to prove so maybe it might just pull my finger out enough to get on and finish the weightloss job!!!!

I planned last night pretty much a 2 week menu, with all 3 meals mapped out so that there is no duplicating of main meals 2 days running. It will certainly help with using up things I already have in the freezer and cupboards and therer shouldnt be any getting to 5pm and thinking 'whats for dinner?'!

I need to try and have a look for an acupuncturist or a massuse to see if that may help my pins and needles issue. Its so uncomfortable I cant begin to tell you, and unsurprisingly I only got offered painkillers from the dr most of which I cant take as the side effects are too harsh (my body really doesnt metabolise painkillers well)

So, if anyone knows a good acupuncturist or massuse in North Cambs/South Lincs let me know and I'll get my dodgy eyes sorted as well!!

I'm actually starting to enjoy myself! The epiphany I had over the past couple of days (and the lack of contact this week from my mum) has sort of calmed my mind a bit. I am taking the girls there for a couple of days next week so that really will be a chance to test things out. Eating there will be really difficult as my mother tends to smother stuff in lots of sauces, has lots of crisps and other crap that none of us need. I will have to be strong and keep focused because I know how long it takes me to recover from a few days veering off track.

Anyway, its recap day and though I did a bit yesterday I thought I'd refocus on what I have achieved this month so far.

Credit - hmm probably a 6/10
shutting the duck up...when I recognise the guises the duck takes I'm good, but I often miss it so 2/10
eating slowly...getting much better 7/10
food choices...big improvement 8/10
being patient...again getting better 7/10
being positive...in the past few days much better 8/10
drinking water...HUGE improvement 9/10
exercise...still lots of room for improvement 5/10

overall not a great report card, but its stuff that I want to work on and will work on.
I think I need to start gearing myself up and making myself prepared for going to mums so that I have in my head already planned how to respond when she goes all Mrs Doyle on me with the 'go on...go on...' senario or 'one bit wont hurt' or 'well you went for a walk earlier so it will be alright' or 'you didnt have much at breakfast' or any of the other excuses she uses for HERSELF.

Fail to plan...plan to fail... I'm going to do my best that that doesnt happen this visit to see her.

Had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. I blame my mother a lot for making me feel like crap and in fairness she really doesnt say stuff to help me feel otherwise. I dont know why she favours my brother and sister over me and bends over backwards to help them out, but its just the way it is. Its not fair, but I know I just have to suck it up and deal with it and not let it get in the way of where I want to get to. I know its not going to be easy, and a lot of the time, if I could, I would cut the relationship out because I honestly dont feel like I benefit from it an awful lot. I dont want her to come visit me out of guilt that she hasnt seen me or the girls in months, (she visits my sister and the baby at least once a week) I'd like her to be a lot different with me, and I have tried having the conversations and the duck is marvellous at quacking the conversations in my head that I could have with her, but I know that she wont hear what I wont to say and it would end in lots of drama and its not going to be productive. I realise now that when I call for help like when my marriage was getting iffy and ask if she could mind the children for the weekend so that the husband and I could try and have some space to resolve our differences she was too busy for a least a month and told me all couples go through problems and it would be fine!!!! Ya think?!!!

I think some of the issues she has is that I have taken control with my weight and got it mostly under control. I worked my butt off losing 9 stone, I went through 2 tummy tucks to have the most amazing stomach that I am so proud of. I think she thinks I'm strong, and I am, but it takes a lot for me to ask for help, so when I do call her and ask that she have the kids or comes over to give me a hand it literally is because I have exhausted all my own resources. I think my lightbulb moment is that even in the darkest time all that will come from me asking for help from her is that it wont be forthcoming and to stop thinking that it might change. I have to only rely on myself, there is no one else I can rely on and therefore I have to suck it up and become stronger than I am already because I have no one else to do anything for me.

Also in the lightbulbs going off all around me I found the focus that I need for my body. I'm not looking to have a catwalk body, but I want to shift enough of the excess on my hips that my knickers sit flat against my skin (sorry if TMI!) and that the muffin top (not that it is huge) dimishes. That is what is what I am aiming for.

In order to get that what do I need to do
- eat well...been doing really good despite a couple of wobbles
- drink more water...also going much better than a month ago
- exercise more...and this is where I need to shout I RAN 0.6KM THIS MORNING AND DIDNT DIE!!!! Its the first time I've run in a long time (since school) and I have new running shoes I bought specifically and I ran 0.3km with the kids on the way to school, then had to walk about another 0.6km as it goes through a narrow alleyway and then ran the rest on the way back. The run on the way there I felt lovely and chilled and relaxed and took it nice and easy, the way back I did feel myself tightening up a bit and conciously relaxed my breathing and shoulders and pushed through to the end. In the past I would have given up as the air was really cold and hurting my lungs, but it felt so good to finish strong.

I might head down to the allotment later for the first time this year, but the ground is so wet that I dont know if I'll be able to do anything. I have a few things to finish up round the house then we'll see what time is left after that.

What I've said about my mum may sound like I dont care about her, but its not that at all. I just cant take the emotional crap anymore and its going to be hard to avoid it, but I'm going to have to not let it get to me. I will probably never know why she treats me differently to the other two, but I feel so let down that I have to let it go so I dont get more hurt by it in the future.

Bit of a weird start to the day. I couldnt stop sneezing! I'm hoping it counts as exercise lol! I dont think I'm getting sick as the rest of me feels fine, but I decided to take it a bit easy in the morning.

Food wise was GOOD yesterday. Water was lacking, and I did feel the difference it made not being properly hydrated having been quite good at keeping up with it for a few days.

I resisted biscuits when offered them after the church service which deserves a huge pat on the back, it was my downfall the day before when I was offered cake and the rest of the day was awful.

I'm trying to unravel why I do certain things and to get to the bottom of some of the reasons for punishing myself with food. And what I do is a form of punishment or abuse as I know that when I eat certain things my body feels absolutely horrible and I end up with physical pain. I need to learn ways to deal with whatever it is that triggers it, but sometimes I'm not entirely sure of the trigger and thats what I do need to try and identify so that I can put alternative things in place to prevent me from basically harming myself from the inside out.

I've had a tough year. Its almost a year since the husband and I separated and my divorce should be through in a couple of weeks. Adjusting to life as a single parent has been tough. Reforming a relationship on a different level with the husband so that we can continue to parent our children effectively has been difficult, but its working; finding out who I am when I'm not being a wife and mother is probably the most challenging part of what I'm going through.
For a long time I have been defined by both roles, but I know there is more to me than that, and I do show that on a daily basis with my art and crafts, but I feel the need to define myself and that is probably where I trip myself up sometimes.
Most people when they first meet you never say...so what makes you tick, they ask what you do, and when my reply comes back 'I look after my children' I see this glazed look come across and it hurts because I know I'm a really good mother, but its not soley what defines me.

Blah...I'm waffling and not sure its going anywhere!

Yesterday didnt go so well.

I wasnt feeling so great when I woke up this morning and almost said 'sod it' but managed to rescue breakfast from being things that I would eat because I was in 'sod it' mode to a nice healthy brekkie and am now feeling very pleased with myself.

Have dinner all planned out, so just need to avoid the temptation of an 'easy' lunch with sandwiches (which is what my youngest will want) as I just cant tolerate bread and its dumb to eat it - hopefully have learnt from yesterday!

Have some cold chicken in the fridge so should be able to do something yummy with that without having to resort to an afternoon of feeling like I have flu because I've eaten bread!

Apparently its been my sinuses causing the headaches and I have a tonne of medication to try and alleviate the symptoms which I think are starting to work a little.

Eating wise, both days have been good. Water consumption is going well as well, and my innards are starting to complain less as they are only having to mostly deal with processing the types of foods that we are designed to process.

Am trying to be gentle with myself. Even though my divorce has probably been the most amicable on record it is still a painful time and I do feel a sense of failure - not necessarily all on me, but I meant my wedding vows when I said them and truly believed that it would be 'till death us do part' and coming to terms with it all ending and the sense of misplacement it gives me is just hard.

However I am determined that in a month from today when my decree comes through that I wont be feeling fat!! I need to remember (without having to do a practical experiment) just how rubbish I feel when I eat rubbish and how much better it feels to eat well.

I rode my bike again today and almost sprinted up the bridges over the roads which I was very pleased about. I spent 2 hours cleaning and there is a lot of furniture that I had to move around so on the exercise front I did well today also.

So credit where credit is due. I'm treating myself right at the moment and that deserves me to be pleased with myself.

Oh and on another note, not that I'm holding my breath! the insurance company say there is a cheque in the post from when my bike got stolen back in November which means I can get some accessories to go on this one I have that my cousin gave me at long last. I desperately miss having baskets to carry shopping about on it, and it will mean I can get stuff to and from the allotment again, which I must go and visit for the first time this year next week as long as the rain holds off.

Starting to waffle now...time for a bath!!!!!

Day 1 went really well. 2 litres of squash drunk - bloody miracle as I barely manage 1/2 glass some days
Food - good, only deviation from what I had planned was eating quite a lot of oatcakes, but in the grand scheme of things better than lots of chocolate.

Today has been ok foodwise as well. Head wise I'm all over the place. The kids have been with their dad for 2 days and I feel so lost and dont really know who I am when I'm not being a mum. My divorce should be through almost a month from today as well and I'm about to hit 35 and maybe I'm just having a bit of a mid life crisis!

I know for my girls I want them to be happy and follow whatever dreams they have, and I know that I want the same for myself, its just I dont know what those dreams are anymore. Before my marriage fell apart last year I thought I had my life kinda sussed. I was a wife and mother, I looked after those around me, and now that dynamic is different.

Eating well is looking after myself and putting some of my needs first. It also means my children eat well as well which fufills part of my mothering.

I'm probably just feeling a bit lonely right now and I hate cooking for one, though I have cooked (only a jacket potato and beans) and not just got a bowl of cereal for dinner.

Need to try and squeeze in some more squash this evening as my water consumption is very low so far today.

Ok, day one restart for Fab Feb

I'd like to say I'm filled with enthusiasm but the truth is I'm in pain and its hard to get past that. I developed a headache yesterday afternoon that is probably one of the most intense headaches I've ever had and none of the painkillers I have have touched it yet.

Therefore my journey kind of limps into action. I'm going to be concentrating (where the pain allows) to eat only when hungry (shouldn't be too hard as I feel quite nauseous) drink at least 2 litres of decaffeinated drinks (though maybe the headache is from cutting down on caffeine so I will have at least one more coffee today.

I am going to take one day at a time and remind myself of how far along this journey I already am, and the destination is not the end, but the beginning of a new journey which gives me life long freedom from weight issues.

In January I had an overall weightloss of 2lbs. I need to remind myself that it was an overall loss and not focus that I gained weight last week. In February I am aiming for another overall loss at the end of the month. I know drinking more water will certainly help that be completely achievable.

Exercise will be limited today as I just cant and don't want to move too much, but I will attempt to get the living room and kitchen tidied throughout the course of the day as they are on my action plan list for today.

I seem to have lost sight of what I'm trying to achieve so I think a restart tomorrow is going to happen.

Sezza and I met up yesterday and we've decided that we're both going to have a Fab Feb.

Need to write my plan for tomorrow - which I will do when I get off here and plan some achieveable goals and realistic aims a) for the day and b) for the month

Night x

...not been feeling so well
... the kids not being so well
...ate out can't possibly be rude

etc

Growls and kicks the excuses... regains the 3lbs lost last week... and makes a pact with herself to treat herself better from today.

Yesterday was weird. I had a full blown panic attack which surprised me at its ferosity. Once all the adrenalin had subsided inside I felt quite empty and down. I made poor food choices (not hugely overeating as such) but foods that I know my body cant tolerate - wheat products - and give me phyiscal pain. I think sometimes its easier to cope with physical pain than deal with the emotional. I know what the issues are, but I dont want to go into detail on here.

Maybe one of the things I do need to do is to learn to not be as hard on myself when things dont go quite as planned. I know that life right now is a big rollercoaster and my blog from 2 days ago shows how positive I was feeling to now where its not so good again.

I'm very tired so it could well be a contributer.

its how things feel right now, not with food but in my personal life.

The new relationship is not going anywhere and has to end, but as with most things it is about timing as to how it happens, though because I'm quite cross right now it might get explosive!!!!

Despite that I am focused on the personal destination that I'm trying to reach and I know that in order to reach it the relationship has to end. I'm ok with that, it feels like a mature place I've got to, and having just come out of an 11 year marriage for me to carry on with this new thing well to be perfectly honest I may as well have stayed married...if you always do what you've always done...!!!!

So it feels like progress that I have recognised the signs and am making in flight course adjustments which just goes to show how this programme is all about every area of your life not just about losing weight (though that is my favourite part *wink*)

I'm not fully clear of the destination I'm trying to get to, but I know a massive part of it is to fit back into the huge stack of beautiful clothes I have gathering dust in my wardrobe. I know thats a reality, and shouldnt be too far away.

On a personal level I have come to realise that actually just dating and not having anything too serious in my life is probably all I want on a relationship front right now, and most importantly to be the best mummy that I can possibly be to my two beautiful girls. I want to enjoy the hobbies I have and not feel guilty for taking time for me to knit or paint or spend time on my allotment. I dont want to have to justify spending time talking to or being with my girlfriends or even the few male friends I have.

I really like me. I think the woman sitting here typing this is a survivor, she's not a victim and though some days get really cold and loney and grey , but she picks herself up, dusts herself down and carries on. A top class chick! And one who in a few months will have the body that she wants to boost her confidence even further knowing that she mattered enough to herself to take the time and the effort to look after the physical shape that she lives in. She needs to learn how to ask for help sometimes when its needed, but that will take time. She is learning that by planning and living in the present that much can be achieved and that happiness can be found in the most mundane of places and activities. That she doesnt need others to validate her exisitence (though occasional compliments are nice *wink* lol!) and that her marvellous sense of humour has been probably one of the greatest gifts she has.

Talking about herself in the 3rd person is a new experience, but one that has been interesting to do right now, and the pace and tone of the blog has changed completely from the beginning, and she likes that she can express emotion when it happens and even though it may be hard for others to keep up with it! its a part of what makes her her and she will not compromise on being real and living in the moment and she enjoys being mulit-faceted and is not ashamed to be complex!!

She wears her heart on her sleeve and if something is troubling her she will let it be known. She is not scared to confront difficult situations, though they are not where she likes to go.

She's a top woman and I love her, this woman sitting typing this.

Have a great day everyone x

I lost 3lbs this week woo hoo!!!! Thats 5lbs in 2 weeks.

Eating natural foods (at least 95% of the time) is working, and along with the St Johns Wort and cutting back on the things in my life that I know were bringing me down are all having such a positive impact.

I'm loving writing in my stripey journal each night and making a plan of what I'm going to do the following day, along with what I plan to eat at each meal, it is making me feel much more in control of things, and writing a food diary during the day and trying to concentrate on drinking more water as well is working.

Need to go and concentrate on moving more right now which should in the process make my house sparkle so two birds...one stone and all of that!!

I am pleasantly surprised on how upbeat I am feeling despite the weather being appauling and potentially needing flippers to go and rescue the kids from school later!

Have a great day everyone

J x