Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

They say if you throw a boomerang it comes back to you.
So here I am again.
Weight is like a boomerang too. My thoughts and feelings repeatedly go round in the same circle.
I want to lose weight. So why do I seem to do everything in my power not to lose weight? It's as if I fear being successful or thrive off the feelings of seeing images of myself and thinking OMG I look huge.
I look like I feel. Huge.
OK so I may be fit, May be even fitter than the average person. I may have a medical report that says I am very healthy in every respect but weight. But I'm not happy as I am.
I just wish I understood why I want something so much yet seem incapable of doing anything about it when I know I am the only one who can. I'm in charge. I buy the food, cook, make lunch etc so I can't blame anyone else. It's my fault I'm miserable, my fault I don't like what I see in the mirror and my fault I feel a failure for not doing anything about it.
So back to Day 1, trying again. After all you never really fail until you quit.

I'm trying step 4.
I'm struggling to log on daily so step 4 seems logical.
I'm struggling to log on daily because I've well and truly got my exercising mojo back.
So far this month I've run for over 16hrs! I've run 76m (371 all year) and I'm back loving it.
Yesterday I started with a half hour swim before work. Then did an hour of badminton at work during lunch then and hour at club running in the evening! Ok so that was an exceptional day but I'm loving it.
It's affected my food in that I'm eating differently without thinking about it. More fruit is in my lunchbox. WIth doing 2hrs of exercising most days I'm using many calories so not studying my food too much but I do calorie count to watch I don't fall into my normal trap (duck listening!) of "have exercised lots can eat lots"
The odd thing is the more I move the easier it is to shut the duck up because the more I move the easier it becomes as my body gets used to moving and remembers what it can do. I'm not saying I've been perfect. Far from it but I've lost 3-4lb this month without actively changing my diet.
There is one problem .... doing more exercise and running makes me start thinking of doing marathons! Always a bad move!!!
Take care everyone!

Yesterday I did a long and very slow run. I was out for 2hrs. I managed a bit further than last week too. It felt really good and I enjoyed it.
Today I was not as tired as I expected to be.
So tonight I went out on the bike, for an hour. Then had a 30mins run and in total slaughter 1000 calories.
And you know what? I FEEL Great!!
It is so good to be able to get out and do stuff (helped by hubby being at work and son on holiday!)
It just makes you feel so good.
The endorphines are just brilliant!
I know some of you struggle with injures etc and can't get out but to everyone I can only say do what you can! Move your body! It's what it wants and boy does it feel good!
:-)

Not sure if it just happened or if the Spainish thing pushed me or if it is reading all your blogs (I can read them with a tiny web browser window at work but commenting brings up a big window so can't do that without being spotted!!) but ..
I'm really feeling positive.
I'm back doing lots of exercise (almost 8hrs last week) and enjoying it rather than just doing it through habit.
I'm eating less and slower.
I'm ignoring the duck too.
and even though I am weighing myself it's just a number and not something to stress over!
It's a good feeling, not felt like this for months, since well before mum's op so hopefully this is me coming back on track.
I read your stories and can feel what you feel.
Sue ... I know it hurts to lose a family member (that is what a pet is) but you really did do the best thing for Benson. I've seen people keep a pet because they don't want to lose them and the poor thing is just struggling to carry on and so thin and weak but still wagging a tail. At times like that you know that poor animal is not living but existing and that's just not fair on them. So you did the right thing.
Earthmother .... the number of times I have fallen out with count duckula and lost is too great to count. You aren't alone. I hope your hubby gets some answers and soon.
Oh and Jane .... stop thinking about tri ... it's evil! It lures you in and won't let you go!! On a serious note go for it! I've seen people who look like they have a beer barrel under their tee shirts taking part, bikes with shopping baskets on. It really doesn't matter we just all do it because it's great fun! The best bit is being 3 sports you use different muscles and so don't get over use injuries so I can only encourage you ... but then I would hey!!
Right off to get some fruit chopped and off to work where I have a sporting CV to write ... why?? Well the in-laws can look after my lad so I'm off to Spain!! That's asuming I pass the medical which includes, ECG, heart echo and stress test!! Eck!!
Hugs to all!!
Pix
xx

OK so maybe that's a slight exageration but .....

A couple of weeks ago the company had a competition to join a relay across Spain. The criteria was that you could run 10k in an hour. Now technically I can't say I can as I haven't but then I haven't trained for it either! So for a giggle I entered.

Today I found out that I will be representing the UK in the relay!!

500km across Spain ... 50 people doing 10K each. Free flights and accomodation too!

So now I have to well and truely slap that duck down to where he belongs, train very hard and lose some weight as that will make it a lot easier!!

I have 6 weeks!!

Last night I did a 5m race.
I was feeling low, lardy, unfit and unmotivated.
Within 0.15m I was last :-( as this is a really popular race with club runners ... fast club runners.
By 2.5m I had pulled in 2 other runners ... an old man with a back support and one who was limping. OK so hardly something to boast about but it does feel good to pass someone however old, infirm, fat, unfit etc you percieve them to be.
I spent the last 2.5m trying to get to the next person but didn't manage it :-(
So why the thanks?
Well Sue has been busy setting up a load of facebook friends! Yesterday I check facebook before I raced and as a result I spent the last 2m repeating ..
do the do
keep going Pete Cohen
I am a marathon runner!
I am an triathlete
I CAN do this
I am great
And you know what? It really made a difference. I had been about to collapse to a walk and crumble but hearing you guys and Pete in my head pushed that duck right out of the way. You were louder and stronger than count duckula and really picked me up.
I had expected to take an hour (there is a nasty long hill at 1m on this course!) but did 56mins instead.
So a huge thank you ... for keeping me going ... for changing my race around and making me feel better!
You lot rock!

As I said I recenly started tracking my calories and at first glance that seems to go against what Pete says.
Instead of getting obsessed though and worked up about my food and continually thinking of food which I have done before with the help of petecohen.tv and the tools this is working so much better!
My main reason for doing this was due to the cocoa trial. If I don't change my diet then these 2 small drinks a day could add up to 2lb gained over the month. Not what I want!
So I'm looking at the foods mentioned by Pete. Watching my water levels and most importantly eating slowly and only when I really am hungry.
These tools have suddenly made a process I have tried before so much easier! Normally I fail so quickly and then give up but this time because I am aware of the duck and what I am eating or how I am eating it's easy!
So THANK YOU PETE!

Calm down now!! Not that!!
I'm back to being really motivated and "up for it!"
Feeling very positive and encouraged and focused too!
Yesterday I went for a 2hr run/walk and I can confirm it was far to hot to be out doing a run/walk even at 3:30!
Today I have been swimming and also done some resistence and core work! My plan is to get to doing 5-6 hrs of training a week.
Weighlossresources has targetted me with 1600 cals (roughly) to lose 1lb a week, with the added exercise I'm doing well and not feeling hungry because I am focused! It's like temptation and cravings are shadows along the path to weight loss and my perfect body and the motivation is a huge spot light. When you shine a light in the shadows the disappear! That's how I feel right now! So motivated that there is no temptation! I know I deserve this so my perfect body is a gift from me to me! My fitness is an award for being a dedicated athlete!
Yep feeling good! So I am taking full advantage of it whilst I have it!!
Yesterday I also started the cocoa study. 2 drinks a day and it's yummy! It's a dark chocolate drink and I love dark chocolate. It does, however, mean an extra 180cals a day for me which is just giving me more reason to move!
So I'm in a very happy place just now and you know what? Count Duckula has been scared away!!

I shant let the duck get to me!
I've downloaded an audible book (from www.audible.co.uk where i got Pete's books from) which is about self hypnosis for weight lose.
Some of the things the chap said are fab! I mean the mind works in a literal way so it does waht you say. So if you say "I want to lose weight badly" that's what it will do! Like a waiter taking and order .."You'd like weight loss madam? How would you like that? Badly? OK!"
The mind doesn't understand try or want either. I believe it was Yoda of Star Wars who said ... "there is no try or want just do"
He also says you can't be hynotised any hypnosis is self hypnosis as you have to allow yourself to relax and drop into "trance" so it's more like deep relaxation. When you are deeply relaxed your mind will accept the suggestions better so relax be kind to yourself and believe.
Another thing he said ... apparently it's been proven that when you repeatedly say things like "I just need to look at food and gain weight" the body tries to forfill that thought and slows your metabolism etc. Those who repeatedly say things like "I can eat whatever I want and not put on weight" have been shown to have reactions such as a quickening of metabolism as the brain tries to do as you have repeatedly said! So beware what you say/ask for!
I've only listened to about a third of it but I am really liking it! As I said in January I refuse to finish the year like I was. so ...

I am a healthy, athletic person. I love exercising. I love eating healthy foods that feed my body and mind. I look and feel amazing!

Thank you all for your kind comments. I have never considered myself as being hard on myself, but then I have never thought of myself as being inspirational or indeed anyone particularly special.
I've always been a believer in setting yourself high goals, almost in a "if it's worth doing something it's worth doing it properly" way.
As a kid I rode show ponies. I competed at the Horse of the Year show at every level I competed. I won 3 seperate classes at the British Championships, won county shows etc. I aimed high and achieved.
I guess that I have therefore passed this on to my adult life.
I loved Sunday! It was great fun and I did do better than the 4hrs I expected to take, a lot better! But I know I could have done better if I had focused on training and lose the weight. I may be my own worse critic but I am also being very practical and these are indeed the facts which I guess I translate to having let myself down.
Yesterday I had that study day. The DEXA scan they did said I have higher than average bone density for my age/sex/weight (that'll be the benefit of doing impact exercises eg running) but I am 41.7% fat. Looking at the image on the screen I just saw a large blob. All my stats apart from weight have come out healthy and I think being totally clinical about it, I am actually a very fit and healthy person BUT the weight is slowing me down and making my exercise hard which is why I breath heavy and have a raised heart rate.
Not to be down about this I am motivated.
Today I have signed up for the Birmingham Half Marathon in about 9 weeks time, and I have also taken a 3 mths membership to www.weightlossresources.co.uk. That's a site I have used before ... it's an onlone food diary that works out what calories you are using and consuming and also breaks it down so you can see what % of your diet is carbs, proteins and fat. This allows me to see in black and weight where I am going wrong as such. My next/last visit is next month when I will get another scan and I want to see the figures are down!
I had always planned to increase my exercise over the next few weeks and that is what I will do.
I am sure with Pete and the tools and YOU fantastic folk I can do this. I look forward to showing you a better set of pictures.
One of the wonderful things about triathlon is that they have age groups. This means you can represent your country within your age group! The country can take a massive team to the world championships to a size of almost 1000 athletes. My goal is to, one day, be part of this team! To wear the TEAM GB top! That's what drives me and that's why I will continue to wobble back upright like the weebles.

and that's truth not me beating myself up!
Pictures from Sunday
http://www.sportcam.net/CompetitorImage.aspx?ID=5127&General=No

Bib 5127 if needed!!

I don't look shattered (despite the lack of training) so yes I am fit but more work needed on the waist line!!

This weekend's tri I did with a friend. A running friend who is my height but slimmer.
We chatted a lot.
We discussed plans and goals.
One of my goals is to run a fast enough marathon time to qualify for the London marathon - this means sub 3:45 time or 8:25 mins per mile for 26.2m. She is certain I can do this and wants to run with me to get that time.
We also discussed my weightloss goals.
She said to me what I have always thought myself .... it's all in my head.
To put a Pete slant on it ... it's that damn Duck.

I set myself up for failure (just like I said to PP about running) and expect failure so stand no chance.

In some respects I may be too hard on myself. Like PP's comment about me doing the tri properly. I have very high standards for myself. I have done 2 moonwalk marathons and 3 other marathons but I still say I have only completed marathons never run one.

I've completed my tri rather than "done it properly" in my head because the time was so low/long. I came 501st out of 525 women doing my distance.

I can't "see" myself as slim and fit and although I set myself goals I find it very hard to see myself actually achieving those goals to be successful. Maybe I am too hard or setting myself goals that are too high, and that I should try to focus on 1 step at a time rather than just achieving the ultimate goal.
I give up and perceive myself as failing far to quickly.

As an example ... during the run on Sunday I kept on walking. Not because I was totally shattered or breathing uncontrolably or hurting I just stopped. My head saw my cut ankle and blood on my sock (it was a graze!) and concluded that everything was hurting. My sensible head said running and walking "hurt" the same so why stop. Each time I said "I will run again at X point" I started before I got there. Yesterday I had tired by not hurting legs. Today I have been for a run. I didn't push myself hard (so if I had I could have done better!!) I just gave up.

So I have writen a list of words .. ones that I want to associate with myself, ones which mean I have achieved my weightloss goals. They are:-
toned, defined, muscular, fit, healthy, athletic, confident, achiever, slim, happy, focused, wearing crop top and shorts, flat stomach, fast legs, light footed, quiet footfall (when running), endurance, stamina, exercise loving, training daily, eating healthy, slow & concious eating, walking tall, proud, sexy!! and speedy.

Maybe that's a list that's too long but if I can put a tick next to all of those I've DONE IT!
With food I eat without thinking whilst at work. the duck seems to get to my head before I have even had time to conciously think! I've done this for so long it's autopilot now.

It's all about habits and some habits are so ingrained they are hard to change, especially when you don't even notice you are doing things.

This is why I chose petecohen.tv to rather than going back to weight watchers, I know it's my head that is the problem. Sort the head and the rest will follow. If you believe it and dream it you will live it. Or as the English proverb says "Take heed: you do not find what you do not seek."

When I started this program my goal was to finish 2009 in a better shape than 2008, this is still my goal. But I never defined that goal. Maybe this lack of focus has compounded my "failures" of late. By that I mean maybe I haven't achieved what I wanted and have slipped back to old habits because I don't have the image in my mind of what I want to achieve.

I think it is time to make friends with the duck , to persaude him to see my way of thinking and get him to help me rather than hinder me. It's time to write some dreams, some achievable short term dreams as well as long term dreams. To really start to believe in myself and belief not only that I can do this but that I deserve this.

SO this weekend was the tri weekend.
Nerves and my need for carbs for energy meant Friday I ate loads!
Saturday I was up at 6 and on the road by 8 to mum's, then the 11:20 train to London. Once in London I joined my friend and we cycled with rather full rucksacks about 10m across London to the Excel center. The afternoon was then spent taking everything in and scaring ourselves by seeing so many bikes and people and how huge the docks are! We then rode a further 5m on bikes in the rain to our hotel.
Sunday morning up at 4 as we had a 6.30 start!
We cycled there and then got ready.
The swim was very scary. 500 swimmers in black smelly water! The hooter went and there was arms and legs and splashing water everywhere. I got hit so slowed and went right to the back as a survival measure!
The swim went well but my time was slower than I had hoped at 47mins.
Onto the bike and it was fab. I had predicted 1hr 40 and did 1.33 so really pleased.
The run which is always hard on bike legs also went better than expected! 1.08.
Overall I did 3:38:54 well under the 4hrs I had hoped for!
In my age group of females aged 35-39 I came 82nd out of 92. I've yet to work out my overall time!
I'll be back next year to do it properly!!

Really not sleeping well just now. Didn't last week and struggling this week.
Hubby is on nights just now and I never sleep well when he isn't here and I guess I am thinking about Sunday too.
It could also be the cut back in exercise for Sunday as well.
I used to laugh at the thought of exercise making you less tired but it's true! I feel totally drained this week and all I've done is a total of 70mins exercise since last Friday. Last week I did 5-6 sessions and wasn't tired!
Sunday is worrying as I haven't trained as much as I wanted too and I'm still lardy! I know I will finish though it's just it will be slower and more painful than I wanted! To add to this there are problems getting there.
Being in the East of London we're getting the train rather than having the stress of driving across London. Trying to get all my kit in a rucksack is proving hard though! Very hard! Plus there will be some cycling/walking to get across London with my very full rucksack! It's not just kit though, it's spare cloths and breakfast too! We need to be up before 4am to get to the Excel centre for 5 ready for a 6:30 AM start! It's going to be a very long day!! Still I should sleep Sunday night!!
The other problem with being tired is my brain thinks food. Food is, afterall, energy! Add the wonders of the female body once a month and I'm really struggling as my head/body is screaming EAT! EAT CARBS! EAT ANYTHING!
So yesterday wasn't such a good day but despite eating I am still trying to remember to eat slower. My main meals are being eaten slower and I am eating more fruit lately so that's a plus.
Today is Day 4 - Give yourself some credit so ..
I'm still here!
I'm doing an Olympic Tri on Sunday!
I am eating my meals slowly.

Ok can't think of much more just now!
I'm reading that book DayDreamer as well. The author is the chap who took our course at work last year so I can "hear" him through the book. He gives rules and examples of how to achieve goals. He talks about feeling the goal, seeing the goal, using positive images and thoughts and smells and putting yourself in the picture etc and I realused that one of my main BIG problems with achieving my weightloss goals is that deep down I am really struggling to BELIEVE I can do it. I think of all these fab positive images and then scrub the image out in a "Yeah right" kind of manner.
Pete says your brain gives you what you want and that you get what you practice and I've given up so many times before and failed so many times before that my brain can't picture success. The only time I did lose the weight and keep it off was before I got pregnant. I got to 8st 10 and looked FAB! Then I got pregnant and I've never been below 10st 7 since. That's 12 yrs now. 12 years of my brain seeing me fail and give up and accept being lardy.
I've run for 7yrs. 7yrs of being slow and wanting to be fast. 7yrs of "rewarding" myself for being "fit". 7 yrs of being "fat but fit". 7yrs of "just doing enough to achieve my goal" eg completing a marathon (note that's complete, I've never run a marathon as I've always had to walk some so in my head it's completed not run)
So yes I do have some credit issues and images issues and problems thinking positive which is possibly unexpected as a lot of people see me as a very positive person who achieves a lot and is bouncy energetic and fun.
and on that note I must go to work ... taking my bike in for a last gentle bike at lunch!!
Cya!

Aldi Jelly Beans are the best. Totally scrummy and gorgeous.
There is a massive bag on my mates desk.
Been open all day.
I've not had ANY :-)