Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

I am really scared that I am slipping back into depression. I started the year so well and was feeling a lot like my old self. I was a bit up and down but what I would probably call "normal" ups and downs. I wanted to get myself slim, fit and healthy and I was working hard at putting myself first.

I don't know what has happened the last few weeks but I'm feeling bad and I'm scared. The old feelings of darkness, heavyness, self-hatred and sadness are consuming me and I don't have any energy to fight them. Today I cried all the way into work (about 80 mins of tears) and I don't know why. I just want to hide in a hole somewhere until I feel better. Needless to say I am comfort eating. It's almost like I'm trying to punish myself. I feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed by sadness. It took me well over a year from recognising I was depressed to feeling somwhere near "normal" again and I can't afford to go backwards.

Really sorry to post such a negative blog but I honestly don't know where else to turn at the moment and I don't want to keep it all to myself because that is a very dark path! Not sure whether to post this or not???????????

My main aim for this year was to put myself first and focus on taking care of myself. I got off to a great start and managed to lose 9lbs up until last weekend. Since then I have been having a major wobble so I thought I should pick myself up and get back on here rather than waiting until I am in serious do-do.

I let myself get far too stressed and tired, I convinced myself that I had no time to make time for myself and consequently a birthday and a weekend with family sent me over the edge. Eating healthily and exercising has been helping me to balance my mood but on Sunday/Monday I was hit with a wave of depression like a slap in the face and I did not like it.

Yesterday I was on the train home from work at a stupid hour and came across my stars in a trashy mag...

"The New Moon in your sign this week means that it's "that" time of year again when you get to reinvent yourself, if you dare. Every year brings its ups and downs, but energetically, this is the week for you to decide what you want for your present and for your future."

So, I thought to myself, if it's written in the stars that this is the time for me to change direction then who am I to argue? I know what I have to do and I've been doing it to a great extent but I also know I have been holding myself back and that needs to change if I am going to make the changes I want to make and need to make in my life...does that make sense?? It seems a bit garbled!

SO...

What has been working for me so far this year?
- I've been having weekly boxing sessions with my personal trainer and I've been loving it! My trainer has also set me programmes for weights and cardio and (up to last week) I was really starting to notice myself getting fitter and stronger (and lighter). I was exercising between 3-5 times a week and I was feeling so much better about myself.
- Eating protein at every meal and not eating starchy carbs in the evening. I think this has been key to balancing my mood. I didn't realise quite how much until I went on a sugar binge!

What do I need to work on?
- My alcohol intake! I drink out of habit, I drink to relax me and I drink far too much. Although I have been healthy in all other areas I have had a nagging feeling that I would accomplish more if I cut down/cut out alcohol. I'm also slightly worried that I feel I CAN'T give it up completely but I am going to eliminate alcohol during the week and stick to 1 type of alcohol at the weekend (do I really need 2 beers, half a bottle of wine and a tot of whiskey??).
- Water! I haven't been drinking enough recently and I am starting to get headaches again and my skin has puffed out. I look awful and I feel awful!
- Diet Coke. OMG - I am so addicted to the stuff. I was doing OK and had reduced it to 2 cans a day but I'm back up to around 6 again and I know its no good. I can't seem to break my addiction but I know I have to. Fizzy water here I come!
- Work! My job is far too stressful and I need to get better at walking away at the end of the day and leaving work behind me.
- Taking care of my appearance. I basically don't bother and I hate it when I glimpse myself in the mirror. I need to make more effort.

How am I going to do this?
- I've set the programme to start again on Monday and I will MAKE the time to watch the videos, blog and read blogs
- I am doing a one-day bootcamp in Hyde Park tomorrow so that will give me the kick up the ar** I need to get me moving again
- I've booked in to have my hair done next week.
- I will revisit the 50 by 50 homework I did and start ticking some things off the list

I feel better already knowing that I have a plan! Hope you have great weekends.
Cat xx

Life continues to be manic and I can't seem to slow it down. Although I haven't blogged or commented on any blogs recently, I have been checking in whenever I've had a spare second to see how everyone is getting on. I really want to devote more time to the programme but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. It is what it is at the moment.

Usually when I am absent I am spiralling out of control but I'm pleased to report that is not the case this time round. I lost 6lbs in January which I was really pleased with. I've been going to the gym at least 3 times a week and I've been sticking almost exclusively to natural foods. I still need my 2 diet cokes to get me going in the morning and a couple of glasses of wine to wind me down in the evening but again, in the grand scheme of things (for me) these are not big problems. I am not bingeing and I am not using food as a comfort blanket. Above all, I am not in the horrible sinking depression I have been in for the last few years. I'm finding that eating protein at every meal and not eating starchy carbs in the evening is really helping me. Not sure I could do a complete carb free day like some of you have been doing but I seem to have found a good balance for me and that is what is important.

Not using food as comfort does leave you feeling quite bare and exposed. What else do you turn to??? Since I started the 50 by 50 challenge I try and repeat to myself daily that looking after myself is my most important priority and, so far, this seems to be working. I have been having a boxing session with a personal trainer once a week and I have been following the weights and cardio programmes she has given me. I am turning my focus to how many calories I can burn in a session and it is really motivating me (300 in 30 mins yesterday - yay me!!). I have a boxing session shortly so I am going to get rid of all the agression and stress I have in me at the moment.

Work is still pants. I have my review today so I'm hoping the new role I vaguely mentioned on here a couple of weeks ago is on the agenda for discussion. I've written my own job description so fingers crossed it all goes OK. I've had two really bad, stressful weeks but I'm hoping things are calming down a little now. I need to grab a bit of time back for myself.

I've been awake since around 4am so I decided to get up and potter as this is the first bit of time I've had to myself all week. Work has been awful. Not just the stupid workload but the rude and arrogant people I have to deal with. Because I've got so much on I'm just ploughing through the work to meet deadlines and I am the first to admit that its not up to my usual (very high) standards. Its made worse by certain people thinking they should be top priority (when they're not), being very rude and then putting the phone down on me then complaining to our group head! Pretty much everything that could go wrong this week has gone wrong and I am dreading having to face off with that particular partner next week as I know he is going to cut me to shreds! Most of it was out of my control but I take it all so personally as I'm usually so organised and thorough. I am so stressed out by it all - I'm a walking bag of tension at the moment. I guess that's why I'm awake at a stupid time on a Saturday!

That said, I have not touched any sugar this week and have kept to natural foods with protein and carbs at every meal. Usually when I am as stressed as I am I would be bingeing on chocolate and fatty foods at every opportunity but I seem to have gone the other way and have somehow lost my appetite this week. I'm not complaining and when I get on the scales later, I'm hoping it will be reflected. I haven't managed to ditch the alcohol or caffeine but in the grand scheme of things I think I have done well so I am giving myself a massive pat on the back. I've also made it to the gym twice this week. Not as many times as I had wanted but probably enough to keep me ticking along. I'm aiming for more next week. I'm still focusing on the 50 by 50 challenge and have set mini goals of where I want to be for my birthday in February and then the Vitality Show in March.

The other thing going round in my mind is another opportunity which has arisen at work leading a major firm-wide initiative. I've been involved in the project for the last couple of years but in addition to everything else I do. This would mean leaving behind the crap and stepping up and driving the project forward. It sounds far too good to be true and I really want it to work out but I'm trying not to let myself get too excited about it in case it doesn't come off. I think its pretty obvious that I need to get out of my current role before I snap so if this new role doesn't come through then I need to dust off my CV and start looking for something else.

I feel like I've been personally attacked this week and I'm feeling completely drained - I just wish I could stop my mind racing back and forth. I've also got the duck in there going on about how crap I am at my job and its all my fault things have fallen to pieces recently. I need to keep telling myself that looking after myself is my number one priority because I am a fantastic person who needs to be treated with respect! I'm hoping for a nice relaxing weekend so I can wind down and have a bit of fun.

Well that's me. I'm going to read through all the blogs now and catch up on what's been happening on here all week. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Cat xx

It's taken me a while to post this but here I go...

1. Stay committed - stop telling myself I can just start again tomorrow…tomorrow never comes (as my Nan always says)
2. Take one day at a time - don't get overwhelmed by the big picture
3. Read the blogs daily and comment as much as I can
4. Write my own blog daily - even if its just a few lines
5. Keep writing my journal daily to get my thoughts out of my head
6. Drink 2L of water every day - carry a bottle with me everywhere I go
7. Take the stairs at the station
8. Do weights session at the gym 2x a week
9. Do cardio workouts 3x a week
10. Plan my meals in advance and track what I actually eat
11. Aim to eat natural, unprocessed foods 90% of the time
12. Eat protein at every meal and low GL carbs to balance my mood
13. Experiment with food and recipes
14. Start reducing my alcohol intake
15. Don't treat myself with food
16. Don't comfort myself with food
17. Find new ways to treat and comfort myself
18. Take time over my appearance in the mornings
19. Have a facial every 6-8 weeks
20. Cleanse, tone and moisturise properly every day
21. Have hair cut and highlighted regularly
22. Exfoliate and moisturise body regularly
23. Start wearing make up for work
24. Buy clothes that make me look good now rather than waiting "until I'm slim"
25. Treat myself to manicures and pedicures
26. Learn to have fun again
27. Find a hobby I enjoy
28. Stop comparing myself to how I used to be and start creating a brand, new, improved me
29. Stop over thinking things
30. Be kind to myself for doing the do and stop beating myself up for things not being 100% perfect
31. Take responsibility for changing my life
32. Be prepared to work hard at changing my life
33. Break my goals into chunks and give each chunk a theme to motivate me (and a suitable non-food treat at the end)
34. Set myself daily outcomes
35. Remind myself daily that looking after myself is my number one priority…work is NOT my main priority
36. Stop taking everything so seriously - lighten up girl!!
37. Learn to say NO at work or push back on deadlines
38. Experiment with ways to wind down and relax in the evenings
39. Keep my desk clear of clutter…a clear desk is a clear mind ?
40. Make one to-do list (not several) and prioritise my workload
41. Create a personal to-do list (I know that's a contradiction) so I don't forget all the things I need to do to look after myself
42. Schedule "me time" in my diary and stick to it!
43. Remind myself that I am actually a nice person and that my friends and hubby aren't lying when they tell me this
44. Learn to love myself and let myself be loved
45. Ask for help when I need it and don't pretend I'm OK if I'm not
46. Spend more time doing the things I enjoy and less time doing the things I don't
47. Stick reminders around the house and at work to remind me WHY I am doing this (see my previous list)
48. If I do wobble, remind myself that it only a wobble and it is not a reason to scrap everything and start again (I have to stop starting again)
49. Believe in myself and that I can actually reach my goals
50. Just get on with it!!!

Writing this has been really useful in making me think about what I can do to help myself rather than just launching in to it. My first milestone is going to be birthday in 4 weeks time - lets just see what I can achieve by then!!

Having a hard time finding the time to log on at the moment. I know I need to keep my focus and part of that is logging on everyday but work is crazy busy and I'm finding that I don't stop from the time I get in to the time I leave. I didn't lose any weight this week but I didn't gain anything so I'm OK with that.

I had a free personal training session at the gym yesterday - it was so fab. I did 30 mins boxing and I loved it. I'm doing a weights session with the trainer tomorrow and a nutrition session on Thursday so that is firing me up. She is going to give me a weights and a cardio programme to follow and that will be good for me and I'm going to do a boxing session once a week with her which should be good for getting out some of my agression.

I need to find a way of winding down at the end of the day without alcohol. I am so wound up at the moment and nothing else seems to do the trick. I can't seem to stop my mind going round and round - any ideas??

I've been working on my list of 50 things to help me get to my goal of losing 50lbs by May so I will write that up tomorrow.

Been in Birmingham with work today so didn't get chance to start day 1 as I'd wanted. I've tried to make the best choices I could foodwise but it hasn't been great. In the office tomorrow so I have no excuses. I need to get better at planning my meals in advance but have a vague idea what I'm going to have tomorrow so it should be an OK day. I wasn't able to shop properly at the weekend because of the snow so I'm going to do a good healthy shop at the weekend and plan my meals for the week.

I hope the online course was good tonight. Looking forward to reading all about it.

My first week back at work has been totally manic! I've been relatively good but have realised that I need to make sure I incorporate the programme into my day to help me stay focused. Reading the blogs, watching the videos or one of Pete's extras on weightloss guru really helps to keep me focused so I need to somehow work out how to build that into my day. I am so glad its Friday - I am really looking forward to the weekend and doing nothing!!

Loving the 50 by 50 challenge and all the enthusiasm it has generated and the blogs on here have been great so far this year. I have been working on my list so here goes...

50 things I will benefit from by being slimmer, fitter and healthier

1. I will stand a better chance of controlling my depression
2. I will feel more confident
3. I will have more energy
4. I will feel less bloated
5. I will want to share photos with friends on facebook rather than dreading anyone tagging me!
6. When my cats come and pad my tummy, it won't wobble as much
7. My thighs won't rub together
8. I will be able to buy clothes I like rather than buying what fits
9. I will feel more in control of my life
10. I will enjoy being more active
11. I will get my chin and cheekbones back
12. I will get my nice legs back
13. My insides will be healthier
14. I can relax and stop worrying about my weight
15. My joints won't ache
16. I will want to go on beach holidays and travel the world
17. I will be able to wear pretty summer dresses
18. I will be able to wear vest tops to show off toned arms rather than hiding my humungous arms
19. I will be a yummy mummy (if something dramatic happens and I change my mind and finally decide I want kids)
20. I will reach my 35th birthday with enthusiasm for life (February 2011 so I hope to be on track by the time I'm 34 next month)
21. I will be able to wear my long boots in winter again (calves too big at the moment)
22. I will be able to smile when I look in the mirror (and I will actually look in the mirror)
23. I will be able to run 10K's easily again
24. I won't be afraid to challenge myself
25. I will break down the invisible wall between me and hubby
26. I will get my sex life back on track
27. I will want to wear fitted clothes that show off my figure rather than hiding in my dowdy, comfy clothes
28. I will stop wasting money on food
29. I will be in a better financial position to leave my job and work part-time because of the saved money
30. I will stop feeling guilty and start feeling proud of who I am
31. I will be better able to deal with stress
32. I will stop feeling inferior around other people
33. I will stop putting things off until I am slim, fit and healthy and get on with enjoying life
34. I will set myself free to reach my full potential rather than holding myself back
35. I will want to spend time over my appearance
36. I will do another boot camp and not be in the bottom group
37. I will make hubby proud of me
38. I will amaze people with my transformation - people will not recognise me and gasp when they realise who I am
39. I will glow with health and vitality
40. I will stop searching for "things" to make me happy as I will be happy and content with myself
41. I will be taking responsibility for my life rather than acting like a victim
42. When my family say I'm "looking well" I will stop automatically assuming they mean I look fat!
43. I will celebrate my 10th wedding anniversary (in September) the same size as I was when I got married
44. I will be more creative with my goals rather than sticking to losing weight
45. I will do all the things I want to do that I've been putting off "until I'm slim, fit and healthy"
46. Maybe I will have enough mental energy and self-esteem to work out what I really do want to do with my life
47. I will stop feeling like I'm wasting my life because I will be having so many great experiences
48. I will be proud to admit I am actually a qualified personal trainer and fitness instructor (even though I don't train/teach anymore) rather than being embarrassed because I am so fat and unfit
49. I will be setting myself up to have a long and happy life (touch wood)
50. Happy Cath will be back in business!!!

So that's me! I've got them printed off so I can look at them every day to remind me of all the benefits to feeling slimmer, fitter and healthier!

Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Cat xx

I have had a lovely Christmas and I am looking forward to the New Year. This time last year I never thought I would say those words.

This is the first Christmas since 2005 that I haven't been suffering from depression and I cannot tell you how great it feels to be able to say that. I never thought that black cloud would lift but after a horrid year and lots of hard work, it finally has. I'm not daft, I know its hanging around ready to smother me again if I give it half a chance but I'm sick of it and I am FINALLY feeling positive enough to tell it where it can stick itself!!!

I am going to be doing things differently in 2010. I'm pledging to put myself first and by that I mean I will exercise regularly, I will eat healthy foods, I will drink lots of water and I will take time out to pamper myself. Most importantly, I will be consistent with my approach and I will not give myself a hard time.

I need to find new ways of dealing with stress rather than eating on it but I will. I will need a support mechanism so I will be blogging as much as I can. I was going to start the programme again on the 4th but will wait to the 12th if there are going to be a group of us tackling it together. Looking after myself is THE most important thing in my life...that will be my mantra.

To celebrate the New Year, we are staying in tonight and having roast duck! Yes, I have the little sucker sizzling away in the oven and he smells fab! That is the end of him. I will toast him with several glasses of champagne and I am looking forward to it!

Hope you all have a good one and I am looking forward to being part of your journeys next year.

Lots of love
Cat xx

Day 8 and I'm feeling ill but remarkably calm. Feeling ill has meant I haven't been drinking very much - only 3 glasses in a week - and this is a girl who drinks pretty much every day. It has taught me that I don't actually need to drink. I even watched hubby polish off a nice bottle of red last night and I didn't even fancy a glass. I think my chest infection is putting me off because I'm sick of feeling ill and want the antibiotics to kick in and get rid of it before Christmas. The strange thing is that I feel calm about everything - I wonder if that's what not drinking does for you???

I only have a 4 day week this week as we are going to see the family for a long weekend before Christmas (then we get to spend Christmas on our own...yay!!). I am really looking forward to the Christmas period this year. Last year was awful - I remember crying myself to sleep on Christmas day - but this year I am actually excited about spending time with hubby, having time to walk every day and generally winding down and taking care of myself. For me, it isn't about stuffing my face - I've done that for the rest of this year and I'm planning on being healthy and getting into healthy habits so that I don't have to go through the whole "start in the new year" thing.

My event went off OK and I even got a thank you from the nasty partner so all is OK on the work front at the moment. All I have to cope with now is the sheer volume of work to get done before the Christmas break rather than anything majorly stressful.

Went to the docs this morning and he confirmed I have a chest and ear infection so he's put me on antibiotics. I hope it clears up soon as its making me feel even more miserable than usual.

Tomorrow night is our work christmas party. This time last year I pulled out of all celebrations because I was in such a bad place with my depression. This year I am going to about 4 different lunches/parties so that must be progress. I'm still not back to being myself but there is improvement and I'm actually looking forward to the new year in a positive way rather than looking forward to it just to get this one out the way (if that makes sense).

I only chose one tool this week and that is to drink 2L of water each day and I have been sticking to that so pat on the back for me. At least this way I feel like I am accomplishing something rather than failing at everything.

The first round of the programme didn't go to plan for me. I let work stress me out and I put my needs at the bottom of the pile rather than the top. I lost sight of my goal and I wobbled for about 20 out of the 21 days.

That was then and this is now. I am still here and I am going to find a way to make it work for me.

The 21 days start again for me today and they will take me to 27 December. Rather than focusing on the big picture of how I eventually want to be when I've lost the weight (which, even at the very best, could be 9 months away), I've decided to set shorter term goals for how I want to be in 3 weeks time. That should help me focus on what I can do to change RIGHT NOW!

I am always setting myself up to fail because I set unrealistic expectations for myself and yet I moan like hell when other people have unrealistic expectations of me...me thinks I have somehow set a precedent for myself!! If I can set a goal for the next 3 weeks, then set outcomes each day I think I can keep the momentum up. Thanks to a great suggestion from Ros, I am also going to choose a few of my favourite days to really focus on - those that I know make a real difference to me e.g. shut the duck up, the scientist, do you like it enough to wear it, displacement activities and outcomes. These are the ones that really hit home with me yet I often don't get as far as those or I miss a day which typically ends up being one of those.

I am feeling really crappy today. I started with a sore throat on Friday which rapidly turned into a really bad cold. I think I might have some kind of chest infection because I have a hacking cough and I feel sick when I breathe. On the plus side, it made me opt for porridge for breakfast today rather than the usual junk and I've already drunk a litre of water this morning. I've also bought some vitamin tablets as I know I've got this because I am totally run down. Hopefully this will teach me to listen to my body when it's screaming at me that I'm abusing it!

I've got my first tick in the box for the day. I logged on as soon as I got to work, watched the video and blogged. I've eaten a healthy breakfast and I've started well on the water so another 2 ticks for me. I know that the next two days at work are going to be really awful as I have a huge event that I have organised taking place tonight and tomorrow but I have tried to mentally prepare for this. The key to my personal success is to realise that looking after myself is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in my life.

By the end of this 21 days I want to be in the habit of following the programme each and every day. For me that means using at least 1 of the tools every day - no excuses! That's it - nothing more complex for me. I can and will succeed.

Todays video made me smile as I almost never eat because I am hungry. I am constantly eating or thinking about what to eat and this is a major habit I need to tackle. Personally I think I eat to fill some kind of void - my instant reaction to almost any emotion is to eat so it is a big habit to break.

When I'm at work, instead of eating I can:

1. Make myself a cup of (decaf) tea
2. Go for a walk
3. Fill up my water bottle
4. Read the blogs
5. Write about how I'm feeling in my journal

Just because I want something doesn't mean I have to have it!!

After a bad week, today has been lovely and relaxing. I didn't wake up until 8am and, apart from popping to the shop, I've just enjoyed surfing the internet and catching up on the blogs and the programme. Slowing down definately suits me!!

I'm not going to push myself to do anything today. I'm just going to pootle round the house - hubby is out in the garden so its nice and peaceful - and I'm enjoying having the time to step back and reflect on my week and plan for a better week next week.

I've been thinking how I can prepare myself better for the next week at work. I need to start putting my needs above everything else and exercise is something that makes me feel so much better so I'm going to get myself to the gym before work everyday. Even if I only do 20-30 mins it will be something. I will set a reminder so I take 30mins out at lunch to go for a walk and get some fresh air - getting away from my desk and having time to put things into perspective will help me. I will also take my food to work with me. I'm going to commit to logging on every day as that has helped me focus in the past. I'm also going to take a look at my CV and maybe start to see what else is out there.

OK. Feel better now.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend xx

This week has been a shocking one for me at work. I'm drowning in the amount of work I have to do and my stress levels are through the roof. It's not helped by working with people who are so arrogant and downright mean and who expect you to jump off a cliff when they say so! Lots of tears this week and, unfortunately, lots of food I really didn't need to eat. It has not been a good one for me.

I really need to find a way to deal with this stress because my job is not going to get any easier and while I might dream of telling them where they can stick it, I can't! I don't even stand up for myself - I just go into autopilot and try and get as much work done as possible. I KNOW that I should be taking the time to look after myself and that should be the most important thing but its a vicious cycle and its hard to break.

I'm still here though and I am not giving up. I am so pleased its Friday and I have the weekend to look forward to. Going to catch up with the all the blogs and the days I've missed. I'm so uptight - I'm like a ball of stress, anger and frustration - I need to step back and chill a little! Roll on Christmas!!

Cat x

Had a bit of a wobble today - couldn't resist picking when I was preparing Sunday lunch. It was all healthy but I probably had twice as much as I should. Other than that I think its been a decent weekend - just need to continue it through the week now. Have to go away with work for a couple of days so no chance of exercise until Wednesday but will drink at least 2L of water every day. Staying overnight in a hotel tomorrow so need to keep my wits about me when it comes to ordering room service and breakfast. Still feeling focused so I know can do it.