Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

Despite coming back from holiday feeling quite positive, I was hit by intense sugar and carb cravings, IBS and moments when I inexplicably burst into tears. Have been feeling slightly perplexed until I realised today it is TOTM.

Phew - how does it manage to take me by such surprise after all these years. And how does it manage to derail me so completely.

So am feeling temporarily sidetracked (and full of sugar). But tomorrow is another day - and one that will start off with a PT session. Plus have another PT session on Thursday and one on Sunday. Am hoping to make pilates class on Saturday followed by fitball and gliding and possibly as spinning class.

My clothes feel much looser - I noticed a difference in my work clothes after not wearing them for a week. So it may be hard to stop eating so much sugar again but I can see and feel the benefits of having cut down so much over the last few weeks.

Mandie commented on one of my blogs that she looked forward to reading about some of my

Arrived back from my holiday in the early hours of this morning - am shattered as travelled through the night.

It was a great holiday. Much needed and much appreciated. I needed space to reflect and having time to recharge has helped reaffirm my commitment to where I want to go in my personal and professional life.

In some ways, things didn't go smoothly - we ended up cancelling the booking for the hotel we were staying in and booking another (with all the hassle that comes from doing so when you are abroad). But it was well worth it when we did so.

Plus my mother's aunt died whilst we were out there which was obviously quite emotional for my mother.

And it was my birthday and I found those reflections on the eve of my birthday about where I was going to with my life extremely painful.

BUT - we had an amazing time. We all loved the new hotel and despite appearing to be the least wealthy guests by a couple of million pounds (at least! - it was filled with Gulf Arabs - I was in constant envy of all the amazing handbags I kept spotting), we were made to feel like we were extremely important. We didn't tell them it was my birthday but on the day, this amazing complimentary chocolate mousse cake appeared in my room!

Plus I have stayed in Cairo before so I knew where to go out and my mother and aunt really loved seeing the non tourist side of Cairo. Had a couple of evenings out with friends who live there and we all had such a great time.

Met with Nice Guy - things remain as ambiguous as ever. BUT I exercised my way through my emotions in the swimming pool, not through food. Then I had a calm conversation with him about things which normally I wouldn't feel comfortable to do. It was a mature conversation and whatever the reasons for the ambiguity, it's not because he doesn't care. Am not sure where things stand - perhaps it's one of those situations where the timing is just not working out in the sense that we are both busy professionals but I am trying to slow my life down and he is trying to push himself. I can understand why he is trying to push himself.

One of the things I find it hard to reconcile is how to deal with the fact that I often earn more than the guys I meet. I don't mind - I choose to spend time with those guys for their company and not for what they can buy me or where they can take me - but I think it can be difficult for some guys to get their head round this.

But I realised part way through the holiday that I hadn't thought about the programme once - in a good way. I was eating when hungry; trying to eat lots of vegetables (as I was steering away from the fruit); stopping when full; drinking litres of water and swimming for a couple of hours a day. I realised how balanced I felt - I would enjoy a handful of french fries with lunch; had a coke one day whilst going round the pyramids; loved my birthday cake. But I also left food; would order 2 main courses for lunch between three of us or a couple of starters. Realised how fit I had become when I swam for 3 hours one day (in 90 minute blocks) in the heat and loved it.

Want to try and keep the balance - have eaten some unhealthy food today as I am so tired I keep craving sugar. But feel like some habits are much more ingrained. Plus my jeans are much looser!

Lovely to be back reading the blogs though

Am feeling slightly giddy - have gone into the "holiday zone" packing for my holidays. My brother has been trying to tell me 6 pairs of shoes for a week long holiday is excessive. But he's wrong! And anyway one pair is my trainers so that I can head to the gym as it has been raining in Cairo for the last few days and at least I can get rid of some of that excess energy if it continues....

To be honest am a little stunned as I pulled out my suitcase with summer clothes from last year, some of which were wishful thinking buys which were too small. And they fit. And I have a waist - a lovely hourglass figure is reemerging. And the sandals that cut into my feet last year also fit. Just kept rushing to the mirror to look at myself.

The funny thing is a set myself an artifical weight loss target to get me focused on getting fit for my holiday and although it was realistic, I didn't reach the target. But I don't care. I have shrunk and although they are all subtle changes, they are big enough for me to notice and big enough for me to feel good.

Had a session on the gravity machine tonight and felt the pre-holiday tension melting. Have shiny toes and nails and a big smile on my face.

Plus I told Nice Guy I wasn't interested in meeting anymore (although I was polite). He is just too busy with work to let anyone into his life (Ha - I can't really talk!) I still think he is a nice guy - in fact I think he is a lovely guy - but a nice guy who is apathetic or disinterested in me isn't much better than one of the Nasty Guys from my past. But today, I have had a lovely email from him in which he has made time for me - lots of time. And for someone who is quite private with his emotions, he has been pretty open. So, I am going to meet him and see.

So an even bigger smile!

It has been absolutely crazy in a good and bad way. The good has been:
Finally got to meet Kat! We went out for a delicious meal in this Middle Eastern restaurant in a basement under a mosque. It was a lovely evening – we talked for 2 ½ hours and think we could have talked for longer but the waiter was pulling pleading faces over Kat's shoulder as he wanted to close the restaurant! It was a fun evening – she has led a fascinating life!

Plus had 2 amazing personal training sessions over the last 2 days – my trainer really pushed me – I can see an improvement in my fitness; technique; stamina; motivation. She even had me sprinting for a minute (ok it was more of a fast shuffle!) and I enjoyed it. She gave me a couple of exercises which she said to just try but not to worry if I couldn't do many and I managed to do as many as she wanted. It was a good feeling even if I am aching this evening….

Went out for lunch today for a colleagues leaving do and I pre-ordered to make sure I made healthy choices (although ate a little too much but still left quite a lot). Am tempted to order a starter and a side salad next time I go though instead of my main meal – I still find it hard to “waste” food, especially when I am enjoying it!

Went back to the office after popping out at lunchtime yesterday to find my colleague had bought me some cake. Which I declined! A first as normally if someone has bought something especially for me, I would feel like I should eat it. I haven't had any chocolate, crisps, cake etc since the stomach bug 4 days ago. So I thought I would just see if I could keep away from them a little while longer. And I just didn't fancy cake at that point although I had to distract myself whilst others were eating it. RESULT!

Reflected on the self-sabotage issue over the last few days. I guess I have realised that I am spending a great deal of time and money on becoming fitter and healthier at the moment but I am prepared to self-sabotage. Why? If I bought a new handbag, I wouldn't deliberately dirty it or if I bought a new dress I wouldn't deliberately tear it. So why should I do something that sabotages having a fit and healthy body. Looks strange when you write it down but it made sense to me….

The bad was I lost my mobile on the way back for personal training yesterday. It's not even the expense of getting a new phone that bothered me, it's the thought of trying to get the numbers for all those contacts I have lost. I still have to buy a new laptop – it's been an expensive start to the year… Plus had the last minute flap that comes when you are finishing work for holidays. BUT DIDN'T EAT MY WAY THROUGH IT AT ALL!

Tomorrow is going to be a combination of hectic (as I have so much to organise before I go) and relaxing (as I have trip to the beauticians and a training session on the gravity machine). Am more excited about the training session than anything else!

Most of all, I feel like my mindset has been much more focused and motivated over the last few days. I CAN DO THIS!

Had a good nights sleep. Still feeling a bit queasy this morning but things have calmed down. Am tidying up work before I go on holiday so it's not quite as pressurised.

Am still really tired but I guess months (years?) of abusing and pushing myself won't be eliminated overnight.

Listened to Step 4 tonight for the first time! I have never felt ready to take the step forward before even though I don't listen to Step 3 on a regular basis.

Food Diary:
Breakfast: 1 ½ slices of toast, few pieces of melon; orange juice; coffee
Mid-morning: dried crackers
Lunch: sandwich; cappuccino
Mid-afternoon: dried crackers; nuts
Dinner: grilled chicken; rice; corn on the cob
Lots and lots of water and fruit tea

Decided that I should see the benefit of having a stomach bug and keep away from the sugar now that it's out of my system!

Also decided to go to PT tomorrow but have asked my trainer to go easy on me. My training sessions this week had to be rearranged so I have PT sessions tomorrow and Thursday morning and a 1 to 1 session on the gravity machine on Friday evening followed by a pilates class on Saturday morning. One thing is certain – by the time I get on that plane, I will have put as much effort as possible into exercising in the last few weeks! Have bought an underwater mp3 player so I can swim on holiday. Unfortunately not sure if I have a swimsuit yet though as they are on order (ordered from Bravissimo as Babsybabe recommended. Kat – the tankini idea was great but all the websites I looked at seemed to only have size 8 bottoms and size 18 tops and my measurements aren't quite that extreme…)

Was hit with a stomach bug this morning and felt quite rough - crawled into work at lunchtime - am determined not to jeopardise my day off later this week.

So no exercise and food diary quite bland: crackers; soup; small bread roll; more crackers; lots of water; small bowl of pasta. Am feeling a bit better though washed out.

Work trousers looser especially on the thighs.

Interesting thing was that normally when I don't feel well, I still have this stupid thought bubble in my head which thinks that at least I will lose some weight. This time all I could think was I hope I feel better soon as I need to be eathing healthily for the pt sessions later this week. Maybe in some small way my mental thought process is not quite as screwed!

I was so tired last night after all that exercise so I had a steak with some stir fried vegetables and then fell asleep on the sofa! I woke up this morning with the satisfying ache you get from having done a good work out. It eased off after a hot shower. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't believe the small changes I can see in my body – my thighs are slightly smaller, my waist is shrinking and my shoulders are becoming more defined.

Styled my hair for the first time since the cut the other day and I loved the way he has cut it. Then I threw on some clothes and started to sort out my summer wardrobe. Later on I realised that the top I had thrown on is a top that was too small for me previously as it is a medium size – I was a little shocked.

So to recover from this shock, I ate 2 biscuits, a bag of crisps and a bar of chocolate! OK I ate them slowly over a couple of hours but it was as if I was so horrified that I was getting slimmer and fitter that I had to eat to sabotage it.
I am not really upset about what I ate as in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing compared with the amount of unhealthy food I could get through. I am just bothered that I have these reactions when I feel like I am getting somewhere.

But this is all about being a scientist so – I have just done 1 hour 15 minutes on the wii fit to dispel any inner turmoil and I feel calmer now. I have decided I am going to blog my food diary for the next week for good or for bad as this tends to keep me focused. I am going to listen to the mp3 track in the next 24 hours to work on my visualisation. I am going to give myself a pat on the back for the healthy food I ate today. And I am going to give myself a huge pat on the back for all the exercise I have done this weekend.

Deep breath – I can and I will push through the mental barrier to becoming slimmer, fitter and healthier.

Had an excellent morning. Went to a pilates class followed by a 45 minute fitball and gliding class - I love working out on the fitball although I can't imagine ever being able to kneel on top of the ball! I finished with a 1 to 1 pilates session and I got to try out the gravity machine (like a pilates reformer machine). It was absolutely amazing. One of the best classes I have ever done. I could feel it working my abs for the hour. It was tough but fun and my teacher told me that she had tried some exercises with me that you wouldn't normally do with a student using the machine for the first time but since she thought I had a strong core, she tried them out with me. Was actually quite flattered - maybe I am fitter than I realise.

Finished the relaxing morning with another amazing massage - she certainly dug into some of those knots in my shoulders and calves!

Had to rush out straight afterwards to meet my aunt to go shopping. Didn't find a swimsuit but did buy some flipflops (the ones that are meant to work your legs whilst you walk although I haven't really bought them for that purpose). Am feeling a bit overwhelmed really as I haven't even dug my summer clothes out yet and my mum and aunt have sorted their packing out! Don't really have much time as won't be home during the week so will try and tackle it tomorrow.

Had a banana, apple, nuts and juice in between all the toing and froing but didn't get lunch until 5pm (when I just left my aunt and mum and went to a cafe and ordered food!) - I couldn't think straight as I was so hungry!

Am a little grumpy as a good friend has just sent me a text telling me she has booked her wedding today for the weekend of 20 March in Somerset - not only is it the same weekend as the Vitality Show but it's a fair trek if I go. I am not 100 per cent sure if I will go but if I do, will be slightly disappointed as I was looking forward to the Vitality Show - don't think I can manage both - it's just too much travelling as I am going to be in Bradford Monday to Thursday the week before, Manchester on the Friday and either London or Somerset on Friday evening/Saturday. Ugggg!

I am going to spend the evening recovering from all that exercise and feeling virtuous. I love the way exercise makes me feel these days.

Went to Manchester today where I went to the hairdressers amongst other things. I hadn't managed to get there for about 4 weeks so it is well overdue! Amazing how something like a trip to a hairdressers can cheer you up.

Had a look for clothes for my holiday but didn't buy much - decided that I am no longer going to buy shapeless baggy clothes but get a little alarmed by tighter fitting clothes! Bought a new top and sandals though and I loved the way I looked in them.

Have a bit of a crisis in the swimsuit department - bought several online to try on and ordered a size smaller than I normally would - they all fit me perfectly apart from up top - I look like I should be in a dodgy movie! The size bigger would just be too big. So I have an underwater mp3, armband for the mp3, new goggles and no swimsuit - my aunt's going to take me out tomorrow to try some more on. I am pleased that I am fitting into a smaller size though.

Eating has been a little erratic over the last few days. I went to an Italian restaurant the other night and ate too many carbs - I felt bloated and sick for most of the rest of the day. I didn't regret the food (as once it's eaten, it's eaten so move on!) but I didn't like that uncomfortable heavy feeling. I am eating more healthily and more regularly now - it's just that chocolate is slowly creeping back in, which I want to cut down on again.

Have 2 pilates sessions tomorrow as well as a gliding session, followed by a massage - can't wait. I love the way my body is slowly toning.Sometimes I feel impatient but other times I love the knowledge that there is no rush to get where I want - I can just take the time and enjoy myself. That might seem rather strange but I have spend much of my life studying, taking exams and working to deadlines. It is such a relief to know that I can take as long as I want to get to where I want, as it just seems to take the pressure off me but in a positive way.

Tried to tackle today in a much calmer manner (although on reflection, probably wasn't a good idea to tell my manager I was already in my holiday zone). I am so use to working at a frantic pace though that when things calm down, I feel bored and start thinking about what can I snack on!

I got really wound up after work as I belong to another website (on a completely different subject - it's all to do with me researching my proposed next move). Anyway people on that site randomly write racist comments - I just don't understand intolerance at all and I feel quite disturbed about it. Anyway, I decided to just go to the gym for 40 minutes to work through my emotions - 30 minutes of cardio and 10 minutes of abs work. It feels so much more constructive to comfort exercise than to comfort eat. Have another PT session tomorrow morning and then Thursday is my rest day.

Ended up gobbling my tea though as I needed to speak to a friend in Germany before he went to bed. Sometimes there are just not enough hours in the day.

It's funny though - sometimes with all this visulisation and all this exercise, I think I am already slim - then I catch a glimpse of my side profile in the mirror and get a shock!

Am trying to calm my pace of life down so only worked 7 hours today (had a 3 hour commute as well but it's a start!).

Followed by a pt session for an hour - was so exhausted by the end, I could barely hold my own body up to do the plank - the sweat was pouring off as I was boxing. l love it though!

Ate fairly healthily and portions weren't too big - don't want to eat much now as I won't sleep but am looking forward to a great breakfast tomorrow.

Woke up this morning and in the middle of rushing round, had a minute of complete calm where I knew I will succeed in becoming fitter and healthier. And I will

I weighed myself on wii fit tonight - mainly out of curiosity. I don't take the scales as seriously anymore! I use to step on them in the morning before I had eaten and with no clothes on to make sure I was light as possible. Tonight I weighed myself in the early evening, having had a roast meal.

Anyway have lost another 2lbs which means I have lost 7lbs in total since I started exercising regularly over the last 3 weeks. Plus my jeans are hanging off my hips. Am really thrilled as there has been lots of healthy eating over the last 3 weeks but also some erratic wobbly moments.

I took the dog out for 30 minutes (she gives up before me!) and then managed 90 minutes on the wii fit. Not sweating as much now which must mean I am getting fitter. What amuses me is that it counts the calories you have burned and at the end you can see what it equates to in terms of food - except all the food on the list seems to be unhealthy - apparently I have burnt off a plate of chips tonight!

Knowing I am getting fitter is the motivation I need for the next 2 weeks. Have another pt session tomorrow night - am really excited as we do boxing on a Monday night and I love releasing all that pent up stress!

I had terrible stomach pains yesterday afternoon. I think I was feeling the side effects of not eating as healthily in the preceding days. It was useful to experience the way my digestion felt more sluggish.

Headed to the cinema in the evening to watch Up in the Air. To be honest I felt a little uncomfortable at times as it's about someone who traveled round a lot living in hotels whose job involved making people redundant - it's not a million miles away from what I do! Obviously I like to believe I am different but the caricature of the main character who liked to travel light and live out of a backpack resonated with me.

Ached quite a bit last night from all the exercise but ready to do some more today. I suspect that the dog has chosen me to take me on her evening walk as she has been stalking me for the last hour and is sat next me as I type! Will use the wii fit as well tonight.

Have 2 weeks before my holidays - am getting everything I need off the internet as I am not sure if I will have much time for shopping before I go. Have booked my hair appointments etc. It's a slightly surreal way to live having to buy everything online but actually it is taking the pressure off me. For the first time ever, I am taking the day off work the day before I fly so that I can pack at leisure. I have booked a massage and pedicure for myself as well as a surprise manicure and pedicure for my mother and a pedicure for my aunt to get us all in the holiday mood. I have also booked a pilates one to one session for the evening before I fly so that I start the holiday in a relaxed mood.

So I have the next 2 weeks to try and be exceptional. I feel at the moment that I am either in the right zone for eating healthily or the right zone for exercising but I don't always get in the right zone for both at the same time. So I am going to try and do both for the next 2 weeks. Having said that, my priority is to focus on staying calm and relaxed - the goal is not to be a certain weight or size by my holiday but to feel fitter, healthier and calm.

Feel a small amount of trepidation as I am due to see Nice Guy again in a couple of weeks after not having seen him for 6 months (to be fair we have both been in different countries!). Feel simultaneously excited about it whilst being annoyed at his infrequent contact over the last 6 months - I am so contradictory!!

Enjoyed my trip to the beauticians yesterday - manicures alsways seem such an indulgence. I decided to try a dark grey colour on my nails as I have tried black once and just looked like a rather old goth. But when my brother saw me he asked if I had turned goth as I had black nails....

Today was amazing. Walked to my pilates class which was a 50 minute walk away. Took a 60 minute pilates class and then had a quick break before taking a 45 minute taster class in gliding. I couldn't do all the moves as it was quite tough on my knees but still managed quite a lot of it. What was remarkable was I was stood in the second row of the gliding class when the guy in front of me suddenly panicked that he was at the front and moved behind me so that I was at the front of a class I had never tried before. I am normally so conscious of feeling uncoordinated and bigger than others but today I didn't care! I was there to have a go and I didn't care what others thought of me. After the class, I had another quick break and then had my one to one pilates session. So basically I managed 2 3/4 hours of exercise and loved every minute of it! My instructor even asked me if I was sure I wanted my one to one session but I really love having that individual tuition. The hour just flies by.

Anyway finished up with a massage at the beauticians which started off as a bit of a torture session on my shoulders and calves but ended up being an incredibly relaxing massage.

What a fabulous Saturday - I can't belive this is me writing this blog. Just 4 weeks ago, I had got out of the habit of exercising and didn't feel motivated at all. Plus I feel like I deserve the massages and manicures becauseI deserve that me time.

Have just had a chicken and pesto sandwich on wholemeal bread followed by grapes. Might go out to the cinema tonight although I do feel ready for a bit of a snooze after all that exercise! If I go out though, need to try and avoid all the Valentine couples....

I feel like I do nothing but moan about work at the moment but it has been a really tough week. There were a lot of deadlines and I have had to work with a third party who not only doesn't like me but started to be more personal and unpleasant in how he dealt with me. I have tried to remain professional throughout even when he was trying to get me in trouble with my manager. But I felt quite shaken that someone could be so vitriolic - I don't expect everyone to like me in life but I don't expect that level of nastiness to be directed at me in a professional environment. At first the vitriol was just directed at me but as time progressed, he started to show others what he was like.

I have to admit that over the last few weeks I have felt quite shaken and the duck has really been quacking. What has really touched me though is the things that some colleagues and third parties have said to me once they saw what was going on. Then my manager met me last night and I was left speechless at all the amazing things she said about me.

But I recognise a huge change in how I have reacted to the last week. I woke up this morning and the positives were whizzing round my head. Even though my heart hasn't really been there during my personal training sessions in the last week, at least I have still gone. I realised the other day that even when I am eating feeling stressed, without thinking I put my knife and fork down between mouthfuls. Some chocolate has crept in over the last 48 hours but nothing compared to what I would have eaten 12 months ago. Plus I couldn't get much water, fruit or veg yesterday as I was in court and meetings all day (handful of nuts and juice for breakfast and then lunch at 4.30 pm!) but today I am raring to eating healthily again. I love the new me!

I recognised I needed to have a long weekend so decided to have the day off - I have a couple of work calls to make but am feeling quite relaxed. I was going to head to the shops to pick up things for my holidays but actually I can't be bothered to travel out of the area. But I felt like a little pampering and managed to get in for a manicure in a nearby town this afternoon. I have spent the morning watching a couple of episodes of Boston Legal which makes me laugh. Tomorrow I have my pilates classes and a manicure. I feel quite calm and excited about the weekend ahead. Will stock up on fruit and veg this afternoon.

The only downside to this weekend - no more prevaricating about buying a laptop - I need to buy one as I just can't see much on this broken screen! If only I could understand what the computer magazines were on about....