Fab Feb - Day 8 and 9
Had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. I blame my mother a lot for making me feel like crap and in fairness she really doesnt say stuff to help me feel otherwise. I dont know why she favours my brother and sister over me and bends over backwards to help them out, but its just the way it is. Its not fair, but I know I just have to suck it up and deal with it and not let it get in the way of where I want to get to. I know its not going to be easy, and a lot of the time, if I could, I would cut the relationship out because I honestly dont feel like I benefit from it an awful lot. I dont want her to come visit me out of guilt that she hasnt seen me or the girls in months, (she visits my sister and the baby at least once a week) I'd like her to be a lot different with me, and I have tried having the conversations and the duck is marvellous at quacking the conversations in my head that I could have with her, but I know that she wont hear what I wont to say and it would end in lots of drama and its not going to be productive. I realise now that when I call for help like when my marriage was getting iffy and ask if she could mind the children for the weekend so that the husband and I could try and have some space to resolve our differences she was too busy for a least a month and told me all couples go through problems and it would be fine!!!! Ya think?!!!
I think some of the issues she has is that I have taken control with my weight and got it mostly under control. I worked my butt off losing 9 stone, I went through 2 tummy tucks to have the most amazing stomach that I am so proud of. I think she thinks I'm strong, and I am, but it takes a lot for me to ask for help, so when I do call her and ask that she have the kids or comes over to give me a hand it literally is because I have exhausted all my own resources. I think my lightbulb moment is that even in the darkest time all that will come from me asking for help from her is that it wont be forthcoming and to stop thinking that it might change. I have to only rely on myself, there is no one else I can rely on and therefore I have to suck it up and become stronger than I am already because I have no one else to do anything for me.
Also in the lightbulbs going off all around me I found the focus that I need for my body. I'm not looking to have a catwalk body, but I want to shift enough of the excess on my hips that my knickers sit flat against my skin (sorry if TMI!) and that the muffin top (not that it is huge) dimishes. That is what is what I am aiming for.
In order to get that what do I need to do
- eat well...been doing really good despite a couple of wobbles
- drink more water...also going much better than a month ago
- exercise more...and this is where I need to shout I RAN 0.6KM THIS MORNING AND DIDNT DIE!!!! Its the first time I've run in a long time (since school) and I have new running shoes I bought specifically and I ran 0.3km with the kids on the way to school, then had to walk about another 0.6km as it goes through a narrow alleyway and then ran the rest on the way back. The run on the way there I felt lovely and chilled and relaxed and took it nice and easy, the way back I did feel myself tightening up a bit and conciously relaxed my breathing and shoulders and pushed through to the end. In the past I would have given up as the air was really cold and hurting my lungs, but it felt so good to finish strong.
I might head down to the allotment later for the first time this year, but the ground is so wet that I dont know if I'll be able to do anything. I have a few things to finish up round the house then we'll see what time is left after that.
What I've said about my mum may sound like I dont care about her, but its not that at all. I just cant take the emotional crap anymore and its going to be hard to avoid it, but I'm going to have to not let it get to me. I will probably never know why she treats me differently to the other two, but I feel so let down that I have to let it go so I dont get more hurt by it in the future.
Prior to recent events I ALWAYS had the sort of relationship you're describing and spent YEARS trying to get her to like me, appreciate me, be proud of me or even just be NICE to me! But it's pointless - as you have realised you cannot rely on someone else to validate you. YOU are amazing, STRONG, CAPABLE, KIND, EMPATHETIC and YOU should feel wonderful about yourself. You don't need your mother's approval.
i have had a recent lightbulb too and I'll bet it's the same for you. YOUR MOTHER MAY BE JEALOUS OF YOU! For all of the reasons above! When my brother pointed this out to me I thought it was ridiculous but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Same with my sister too. Very often people unhappy with their lives find it difficult to be around someone who is so obviously coping. They envy your strength and capacity to deal with stuff - perhaps they're unhappy with their own life and can't find the strength to change like you have done???
Think about it. And if all else fails, PRETENDING that she feels like this may just help you deal with it - it worked for me!
Good luck honey and sending you MASSIVE hugs of empathy and support.... xxx
dont we all wish we could choose our family
My dad is similar, I rarley ask him for anything. If I do, he is too busy doing stuff for his wife
Then when I say we paid someone to fix something he says why did I not ask!! banging my head against a wall, I give up
I am angry that he does not make time for my niece & nephew.
I feel that we need too, we have my nephew a few times a month
How do your kids feel about not seeing her much or are they used to it
Like mandie says I bet your mum is jealous that you are strong & can cope day to day on your own
Since my mum died my dad has remarried - he caused a lot of family upset
Now me & my sister are happy, he seems not to be.
Make time for yourself to relax
big hugs
My parents are generally great and supportive but they always make a big fuss if lose weight, saying how great I look and then for weeks asking if I've lost more (I live 150 miles away so don't see them so often). I know they think they're being supportive but actually it upsets me because it makes me feel that I'm only acceptable to them if I'm slim.
But anyway, what I really wanted to say was that you've done a wonderful job, and you should be very very proud of yourself. Mandie is right that you don't need anyone else's approval. What you've achieved yourself is amazing.
Big hugs
Bx
I hate asking for help and because of that I usually struggle through on my own and then when I really really really need it - ask - and get funny faces or replies back such as your mum gave you.
For me I felt like they were seeing me differently and somehow less favourably - ie where has the strong one gone and why has she left this useless one that needs my help!
I am sure its not like that at all - I just don't think people offer help to those that seem strong most of the time and are just so surprised when you need it that it takes them off guard.
Just take care and I hope things work out for you.
Love
Viv
x
I 'm so accutely aware now that I'm a mother to two daughters how any of the crap I deal with might get passed onto them, so I think it maybe panics me more than it should, just because of how damaged I feel by my own experiences growing up.
I can make things different for them. I can let them feel that they are listened to, have time made for them, and not brush them off by being too busy when they ask for my help. I dont want them to ever feel that one is more important than the other and I hope I make that so
J x
I think you are all right in saying that they are probably jealous of us and unable to change their own ways but we can control our reaction to them, it is all we can do.
Sometimes I really want to tell her what she is doing etc but I know it will make no difference, but I do not have to buy in to her way either.
Yes, when parents think you are strong and capable you do not get help especially when the main group of my own kids were growing up. With several young children you would think the need you had would be obvious - but no it never was. Her life consists of being a hypocondriac :( always has so that she is centre of attention.
I have brought six children no real help whatsoever - still a little bit can get upset about it if I think too hard but avoid that and accept her with all her faults now.
Also I am aware to how we affect our own children and how my lack of self confidence has affected them already - especially the girls. Actually they seem to do really well in their lives and are pretty outgong in social situations.
I have made sure that they know that they are loved and cared about deeply and tried to instil good values into their moral fibre. And that I am always here and 'present' for them should thye need me. Something I have not really felt with my own mother.
Earthmother x
One thing that we ALL have in common is that we have become determined not to repeat their mistakes with our own children. Maybe they have given us something after all? Perhaps we are better parents as a result.
On reflection, I'd rather be a good parent than a perfect daughter anytime...
Earthmother x